Lessons of Life

It's now 18th December 2012, 3.16AM. Approximately 4 days till the rumored doomsday. Uh, perhaps I should really cut the crap and go straight to the point. A lot of things happened in the past weeks and I guess, I really learnt a lot; and also realised a lot - simply because I knock my head on the wall too many times already! If I were to elaborate things one by one, I believe it'll be never-ending so I would just try to keep things short and simple; for myself and also for others.

1. Be truthful: Not to others, but to yourselves
I've been in a state of lying to myself for a very very long time until things just start hitting right into me. It's weird to say this but I've been thinking that I was doing everything right, and everything is actually in my control finally to the point where I realised I'm trying too hard to actually cheat myself all the way through. To be honest, it's really hard to accept such fact because admitting that I am wrong is something that I never do (Because I'm always confident, unfortunately). It is only due to someone, that I am able to actually realise what is happening, and that I am actually lying to myself for such extended period of time. Thanks.

2. What's meant to be, is meant to be 
I've been a person that believes that in order to achieve something, effort needs to be given and paid. And the more you give, the more you receive. Well, I can say that it isn't wrong to have such mentality but it only happens in a perfect world, not reality. In reality, sometimes we'd just have to let things flow. Of course, effort still needs to be exerted but forcing isn't the way to go. The more desperate you try to get something done, the higher the chance of it not to be successful because such desperation will bring things down; and in a negative way.

3. Seek first to understand yourselves, then understand others.
This is perhaps the most important lesson that I learnt. Many a times, people try to understand others and help others whom they thought are in need. Unfortunately, they forgot about someone who is of the utmost importance; themselves. I've been trying so hard to understand how do other people think and act, to the point that I myself do not know what am I doing anymore. What are my aims, dreams and principles? Everything had just simply gone down the drain. Sometimes, there is a need to be selfish, to look after ones self before stepping into someone else business. 

It has been a tough 48 hours, battling with my mind, heart and soul but I'm glad it has all come to an end because at this moment of time, I seriously know what I want and also the things that I know I want to do. I really have to thank the ones who actually helped me in understanding this, and I'm sorry too, for the ones whom I've hurt during the process. Perhaps, being simple is the best way to go with it; like what I've wrote in my past entry - to think like a child.

Sometimes, 
We just have to 
Show how we feel;
Do what we want;
Think not of the consequences;
Just live life as it is;
This world will be beautiful.

P/s: If you are reading, the 'thorn' has not been removed. But I'll listen to the advice and keep options open and see which direction would things flow =) 

Thanks, you've been a really great part of my life
Posted on 3:41 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I am a rebel

We live in a world of expectations; where every single thing you do and take into your life, expectations follow. It's not like I'm saying it's wrong to have expectations but I never like such issue in my life. People tend to say, only with high expectations, achievements and success can actually take place. Such is the truth as only if you expect to succeed in life, you would eventually put in the effort to do something and take the responsibility to work towards it. Honestly, it is true, because only when goals are put in front of you; things can be done and achieved, but my question is; when we're trying to hard to achieve goals and goals alone, where does the heart lies?

I have friends who work hard every single day to achieve good results. So much to the point that rest were never in his/her eyes and what's being seen is only the end goal; of having fantastic result. When being asked of what he'd been through all the way throughout the process, there weren't anything worth mentioning at all.

The question on whether or not I should follow what the masses want to see had been hitting hard on my face. Ever since the incident happened, I've been thrown with words like "you must", "you have to", or "do it.. or else" which eventually put me into deep thought again tonight. What I felt is as if all of a sudden, I'm being thrown into a pit with so many rules and regulations that I have to agree and do in order for me to get out of it. It is, of course what I want; but definitely not the road that I want to take.

I wanted a road of understanding, tolerance and trust.
Not agreements, expectations and contracts. 

I may not be good, but I am sure that I'm serious and sincere. But with so many must and expectations coming in, what I felt is as if I'm becoming a machine or computer that follows the order of what the programmer wants from me. Nothing that I am going to do is directly from my heart if I am to continue moving forward this way. I will end up doing everything, because I am told to do so.

I am not writing this to tell everyone that I am right and others are all wrong. But I want to get my thoughts through; because what I value is not being 'perfect', but being 'sincere'. I used to tell my friend that whenever my parents start to demand me to do something (practising my piano, for example - Now you know why I never practised last time) , I will end up doing the exact opposite. It's simply because I am a rebel. The more people try to exert control onto me, the more I try to repel them off. 

But this time, 
I just couldn't put this issue off because I value too much.
I don't usually ask for things because I never liked to do so
But I ask of time and understanding at this point of time
I don't want to be a machine, I want to be a human with a heart
To do things that I want to do deep inside me
Not to do things I am being asked to do 





Posted on 3:30 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Opportunity Cost

I came upon the term "Opportunity Cost" first when I was in my Foundations study in the subject of "Principles of Marketing". At that time, or perhaps all along to me, it's just a simple term that people use in the business line; where in every opportunity, there is a cost. In every benefit, there is a bad side of it. But to be honest, it isn't as simple it being in the business line, because in life; everything have a cost and these cost comes from the choices we made.

I remembered being in a sharing session by Guang Liang when he came to UTAR once and he quoted something very meaningful, and it is still clear in my mind; "Life is choice", it is the choices we make that shapes our life, how we are going to be, and what are we going to be. The word choice is so simple, but sometimes, these choices are so hard to be made; to the point that sometimes, I do not want to make any choices at all. Sad to say, sometimes it just could not be done because a choice simply had to be made.

Approximately 4 years ago, I made the decision to skip Form 6 and get into UTAR because I realised that Music is not the path that I can take in Malaysia, because it's way too expensive. I regretted it badly because  4 years later, I found out that there are actually Music Courses being offered in Local Universities.

3 years ago, when I was hinted by my Instructor to take up some skills on arranging and doing something in the Music field, I decided that I shouldn't commit that much any more because it simply does not bring benefit. I regretted it, because if I had just done it, I would've been of much more value now.

2 years ago, when I decided to cut off my relationship because of a sudden 'bad mood' and 'ego'. I regretted because because that decision, my following year in University was just too bad to be explained. But I am glad that happened, because it made me a better person too

1 year ago, when I decided that I should be doing more extra-curricular activities instead of being a book worm. I joined so many activities that I became too busy. My studies dropped like heck (though it's still good), but I'm happy because I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and leaders.

6 months ago, I decided to pick up music again. I was glad, and happy with it because my lost dreams, was actually coming back to me slowly. I was able to go overseas to Taiwan to perform, as well as got to know new friends and obtaining new experience. It was just awesome, something that I never regretted

5 months ago, I took a leap of faith and apparently, it didn't go how I wished it to go. It was a bad moment.  3 months ago, I thought it was time to move on, I made a decision to start up something new. It took only 2 weeks to realised that it wasn't right, because it's not the right time to 'move on'.

Now, after 3 months of making that "decision"
I'm asking myself again: "What should I do"?
Is it the right time to actually "move on"? 
Or since I've started it, I should end it correctly

I really hope, I can actually get a hint on how to do it this time. Is it possible that it is not me who makes the decision again? Cos I really do not have the courage to take any more actions as every single actions and decision made, there is an opportunity for something better, and also a cost for something worse. 

Seriously, I don't like it.
But that's life

Every decision you make, will have 2 effect
The opportunity, and also the cost

I will make a decision sooner or later
I just hope I don't make one that I would regret


Posted on 1:11 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

"Better Life"

I've been through a crazy 3 days for the past 72 hours and I gotta say, I'm glad I'm still alive. 1 deadline for each day and having 3 deadlines in the span of 2 days have got me really bushed up to the point that I don't even know what is tired anymore; all I know is I get hyper, and make a fool out of myself. Some of my friends can confirm this as they saw too much of my retardation. Then again, being busy does not make me stop thinking, pondering and evaluating my life.

I was at this poster exhibition organized by people from my course (unfortunately I didnt get to organize it as I was terribly sick for 2 weeks; ending up blurring through the whole week after that). Really unfortunate, because it was good. It's just a small event, but had really brought out the meaning of the theme "Better Life". I still remember how touching some of the presenters did that can really shed tears out of jokers like me. Nevertheless, what got me thinking is actually not from the presenters but from the Dean of my faculty.

He told us one thing about the theme "Better Life". The point that I remembered most is where he said "I left my job and came to UTAR, all for a better life". Then he elaborated about leaving things behind because there is something better. Which really got me thinking. I tend to be someone who holds onto things very hard and I am always reluctant to let go. Some see this as the strength in me, but now that I started to think of it, this may be one of the weakest point of my life too.

I've been holding onto things too tightly sometimes, not willing to let go; not willing to go the distance. Perhaps the best example was on my relationship where I took almost 1 1/2 years to get rid of my past relationship issue, and well even now, I'm still 'holding on' to these problems. In as much as patience usually gives success, the patience that I have is actually killing me. It's using up all the time I have in my life for nothing. Perhaps I should, leave the past behind and go forward for a better life.

Which means, I'll put things that I dear most down too
Most notably, you. It's been a long time, but perhaps it's time to cut things off.
Things just wouldn't work out although I've really tried my hearts out.
Thus, perhaps I shouldn't be doing anything any longer.

Perhaps I should just move on
I'll just move forward, for my "better life"
Posted on 3:49 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

The little things

It was a rainy evening. I was having a nice warm tau fu fah with some herbal eggs while enjoying the cool windy breeze until someone told me something. Something that hit me hard and just made me felt that I should be writing this down for my readers, or perhaps for my future self. What's being told is actually a very simple thing but when in deep thought, it means a lot. What was told was this:-

'It's been so long since we've ever sit down, and talk; about anything but not work' 

Honestly, life had been so busy these days, almost every single minute is spent doing something. Not only myself, but I think most of the people around me are in the same situation. But when I come to think of it, things weren't like this last time. What I had, in the past had somehow slipped off without even anyone knowing about it. 

Gone are the days,
Where I was able to spend time enjoying the nearby lake at night

Gone are the days,
Where I was able to sit down in Mamak,or outside my house doing absolutely nothing

Gone are the days,
Where friends can actually sit down together and have a good chat; not discussion

Perhaps even now,
Gone are the days,
I can sit in front of my PC, and game without any reasons

Even in games, expectations and standards have to be reached. Everything I've been doing these days, have a reason and aim and I find it worthless doing something if there's no reason of doing so. I thought I was right, because only when a person is doing something that gives a reason, it's worthwhile. But somehow, I was wrong; because it is these little things, that may not bear any fruit at the end of the day ends up being something that is of most precious for a person. 

These things make me wonder, why am I working so hard; when what I've been striving for - to live a happy and good life is actually achievable at this point of time? This is just my 10 cents, that I felt that I have to write. 

Everyone tries to hard to live their life as good as they can
They claim that they do not want to waste their life doing worthless things
But at the same time, not realising that what's being done to "live the good life" they want
Is actually not worth doing

It's always the little things that matters most
The short chat with people that means the most to you
The smiles that you exchanged with the people you loved
The quiet moment you spend alone, with yourselves
Even the small argument or "skirmishes" you have with your friends

This are what's worth in my eyes

What about you?
Posted on 6:18 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Rants

It's been a long time since I've ever written or posted anything here and to be honest, I don't expect myself to be posting anything here at all. Perhaps from a little bit of encouragement from my lecturer few days ago, I find myself once again sitting down here typing out words and phrases accompanied by beautiful melodies played by Yiruma (Recordings of course)

A lot had happened recently and a lot of things had me thinking day and night. But perhaps the issue today made me think even more, better? It made me decide to write what I feel out here in my blog. It's hard for me to type things down here because things are a little bit hard to explain with words alone, but I'll do my best

I still remembered long ago when I was in secondary school, Form 4 if not mistaken. My class was introduced to a topic of "should classes be streamed according to scores and marks" and students are supposed to be debating on that topic. As usual, a lot of people claimed and supported the motion of classes should be streamed. It was all alright, until a friend of mine decided to say no. He made a point, that when classes are streamed, the good gets better, and the not-so-good gets neglected. Points came out to the point where he questioned, if everyone is out there trying to help the good, who is there to help the bad? Aren't the ones in which attention should be paid on are the weaker ones, or the not-so-good ones? 

It was a lively discussion and we had fun, but what's being said struck my heart up until this moment. That is also a reason, why I always try to look in the perspective of the so called 'bad' people. Even when everyone around tells me how bad a person is, I try to hold judgement until I actually see how things are. True enough, things aren't actually that bad, because everyone tries to be good. It's just that, people always ignore and leave these people behind, because they are not 'up to their standard of life'


This, however is life. The good moves on, the bad moves backwards. But if this continues on, how are things gonna improve? In a group, there's always the quiet ones, the noisy one, the center of attraction and true enough, the odd one. But this is the one and only reason why the group is called a group. Every single one is different and made into an individual by God, and no one have reasons to judge them for who they are. Everyone have their imperfections, but this is what makes everyone perfect.

I may be snobbish at times, but I am just not the guy that can leave one group for the benefit of myself. I just don't understand how other people can do so. Because it's not always about I, my, me and mine. There's always a you, we, and us.I wonder, is this world made to be this way, where everyone just wants to be the best, to get the best out of everything; to the point that many other people are just left behind not because they do not want to move on, but because no one is there to help them?

Honestly, I do not like situations like this. Perhaps because I'm naive and I believe in a perfect world. 

I just don't see reasons, why should I leave things behind so that I may gain the benefit
I may have lost a lot of things because of this belief and action of mine
But never had I regret such decision in my life

I believe everyone have values in them
No one is 'trash' or 'useless'
Posted on 8:07 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Not worthy

Today is the 21st October 2012, which simply means I'm a year older already.

Many may ask how did I actually celebrate or went through this day.

Many may feel that I have something big planned or so on but it is of the exact opposite

 People may feel that it is supposed to be a joyous and happy occasion 

Where everything needs to be merry and flooded with happiness

To me? Unfortunately it isn't the case


I just wanted to spend my day quietly, to clear off my mind and to think of moving on.

I'm not the type of person that finds happiness in being around many people, having fun

But most of the time being with the ones I want to be with; or myself, having time

Quiet, peaceful and quality time.

Guess what?


I don't think I got what I want

My whole day was spent performing tasks and work

I'd say that by the end of the day, I was actually 'broke'

To the extent that I don't feel like doing anything at all

And so causing me to avoid every single 'meeting up with friends session'

Perhaps because of that I disappoint a lot of people too for being unappreciative

But well, sometimes I just feel that I'm not worth the time and trouble

Not worthy of anything, because I ain't a good friend!



Life is tough these days because I do not know where I am any longer

Then again, I know and I understand


Life goes on


P/s:- Things weren't as bad as perhaps. I did had my happy moments and events that happened. And I really want to thank everyone that appeared today. Some of you simply carved a smile on my face when I am really down. It is amazing how things that seemed so simple, actually gave such large impact. Thank you
Posted on 4:34 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

A purpose

Everyone have a purpose

Everyone needs a purpose

A purpose to carry out task, to get things done

A purpose serves as a way to drive people onwards

Or sometimes even the opposite, to pull people back off

But it's not important at all 

because

the most important thing is that this "purpose" is there, it's present

Me? I do not have any; or perhaps, I've lost my purpose in everything I do these days. Every single day, hour, minute and seconds of my life is spent on things that I don't even know its usage. I'd wished I had some time to think things out, but the unfortunate fact is that I have none. 

I wanna get into my 'cave' and leave everything behind to start anew. But it seemed so hard because the work and commitments comes never-endingly. Run as I may, but I can't just escape myself from it. I don't need a break, but I want to see the light.

I want to know what am I to do at this situation.

Sometimes I wished I have someone to talk to

But I know, I'll never get things to be 'said'

I'm just not someone who blurt things out

Everything's in a mess, every single thing



But life goes on



Posted on 8:20 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Being loved

Love is beautiful; sometimes just too beautiful to express and explained with mere words. I simply couldn't agree more to that because it is the word "Love" that turns the world around. Undoubtedly, everyone is also trying to look for it in their life. Some spend days, weeks, months and some even years; or a lifetime looking for it. 

Myself? Well obviously, I'm not an exception in this case as I am a human too but most of the time, I always find myself at the negative side, where things did not, or perhaps never worked out in my favour. My perception on these feelings was kinda bad sometimes as to me, it brings pain more than joy and happiness. This perception of mine never changed until recently. 


I was having what we call "yumcha session" with some of my old, close friends and it somehow made me realised something; I've actually received an abundance of love from the people around me. Up till now, I was perhaps only involved in one serious relationship that broke down almost 2 years ago. Most of the other relationship was not being able to be 'kick-started' for some reasons that I do not know. 

Perhaps I was not being loved, 
Perhaps I am someone who is not worth being loved
Perhaps I am just not of the quality that people seeks

That was what I thought of in the past. But not any longer. Because only after I look back into my past, I realised that there ARE people who once loved me, loving me, and still giving their heart to me even after and extended period of time. To be honest, only after reflecting on my life these days, I realised that I am actually a lucky person. Sometimes just too lucky to be true. But what I am doing for those who gave so much for me sometimes makes me an ass because instead of being thankful to them, I'm actually being an ass to repay them. Sometimes I just felt guilty and bad as I can't reciprocate all the love showered upon me. 

Sometimes I wonder, should I return back everything that was given to me by giving a positive answer? But I do understand that I cannot please everyone. In as much as I want to do something to reciprocate and give back, I know that sometimes I have to control myself and make a decision to give a harsh "NO"

But I'm thankful. Most importantly, I am appreciative of all your presence in my life.
I do not take anyone as a burden, nor do I consider any one of you bothering with my life
Simply because every single one of you means a lot to me, and I mean it.

Every time I pen down something, or every time I give a speech, I have a reason. Similar to that, this post is also written for a purpose. I couldn't say things directly as I know that I am not a person who can do so. But I just want to explain and tell you people, that I appreciate you people being around me. Friends, family, colleagues, anyone.

Each and every one of you means a lot to me; please do not isolate yourselves from me?
Posted on 3:23 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

The One Chance: The Turning Point


I'm brought into the situation of pondering on the word chance, or opportunity

A simpler term that can be used perhaps is the word "Luck"

Everyone in this world, especially famous ones usually have the 'ONE' factor, or perhaps moment that changes their life. Well, even in games like Leagues of Legend, it simply takes ONE mistake, or ONE opportunity taken  in order to simply win the whole game, or losing it all together. 

Bringing it back to a game of soccer, basketball or even to a simple game of chess

Sometimes, the determining factor of failure or success is very simple

It's just this ONE chance

Whether it's taken or not, THAT makes the difference


Then it made wonder 

When will such 'chance' appear before me?

Or perhaps it had actually appeared, just that I don't noticed it


I'm actually pretty frustrated with life these days as although I want to continue moving on, pushing forward, there seemed to be so many limiting factor stopping me. Obviously, being myself, I can fight to move forward, but it's simply not what I want to do because it will eventually go 'over' my principalities. 


And yes, because of such situation, I'm stuck here, waiting.

Sometimes I felt as if I just need that ONE chance

Just once, to prove myself


But honestly, I do not know when it'll come

Perhaps by writing this, it'll serve as a reminder for me


To take it and embrace it when it comes.

I just need that ONE chance.

Just ONE to make the turning point of my life
Posted on 3:13 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

In reality...



In fantasy, things come to those who wishes and believes in it
In reality, things comes only to those who work their ass off and are blessed by God


In fantasy, as long as you've put in effort, you'll receive the growth
In reality, even if you've put in effort, disappointment is what takes place after that

In fantasy, when you let things flow/happen, it'll happen and you'll live happily ever after
In reality, When you let things flow/happen, nothing will ever happen

In fantasy, when you achieved what you want, it stays there for a long time
In reality, when you finally achieve something, it may be robbed off you the next moment

In fantasy, you just have to ask; and it is given to you
In reality, asking gives nothing. You have to fight for it if you want it

In fantasy, I would be happily pursuing my dreams and spending time with my loved ones
In reality, I am here wondering how to work things out, and sitting in the hall alone

.
.
.
.
.

Sometimes, I just wished I live in the fantasy world

The real world have too much limitations that I don't know how to go against

Then again, that's the reality


Jeffery Chan,

Live with it


-Signing off-
Posted on 2:22 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Dreams


Everyone have their own dreams; their vision and also what they want to do most in life

Most definitely, as a human being: I have mine too

Most unfortunate for everyone, dreams are somehow just too hard to achieve.


I believe that most readers of my blog who knows me personally would know how far my passion for music is. How much I can actually commit for music. I started learning music since I was 4 or 5 years old? Got myself enrolled in Yamaha's Music Course thanks to my parents. It was them who ignited this interest of mine; and this is what made the me today. I was trained in many many different aspects, piano playing, music theory, improvisation, listening, pitching, and even singing. It was perhaps because of this that my interest of music grew so much that I decided to join my school band when I was in Form 1.

I joined the school band in my secondary school: Form 1 to be exact. Picked up the flute as my instrument and with blessings from God and also my parents, I own a Yamaha YFL-221. It was then I realised how interesting it was for so many different instruments ranging from the Piccolo to a Tuba playing together that forms the music everyone hears today. Perhaps, it was here where my interest was actually fired up, and it soon became my passion. This however, took too much of my time too. When I was in the Mid-June period where so much time was put into Band, and I simply do not have time to practise my Piano for my Exams in the Yamaha course, I was somehow just left behind in every single aspect of it.

It was discouraging, it was somehow just sad that I find myself being far behind everyone in the same class. I soon begin to lose my interest and at the end of the day, just quitting everything that I had done for the past 9-10 years. Indirectly, it was the band that caused me not continuing what I've been learning for such a long period of time. Waste of time and money? Perhaps so. But the main reason why I stopped and lose interest is actually because I don't find it interesting playing solo pieces on the piano any longer: because playing in an orchestra, give more colours to the music created.


My eyes and ears were opened wide

It showed my how much music can do to an individual: specifically myself

And it actually led me to actually find out what my dreams are.

What my dreams are? I'll further explain in a bit


For that 'interest' of mine. I was very enthusiastic towards band practises every Saturday. While all my friends spend their weekends sleeping at home, gaming in Cyber Cafe's or hanging out with friends in shopping malls. I spend the whole morning and afternoon, sometimes even evening and nights in school for band practises. I was perhaps talented, capable or maybe just lucky because I ended up as Band Leader in my Form 5 years (2008). I was the student conductor for SMI's band. Under my Band Instructor, Mun Ming, I've learnt several things in regards to conducting and I was also given chances to actually conduct in various events; wedding ceremonies. That was until I left school after my Form 5.


I wanted to pursue music in my Degree

Simply because I know it is my Passion, my Interest.


But somehow, things isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I looked up for information to pursue a Music Degree. Unfortunately, the obstacles to achieve it is just too much. Many many things such as financial constraints, family and also on qualifications was an issue to me. Pursuing a music course just takes too much money. My parents do not encourage me moving to KL to further my study, and I just do not have the required qualifications to get into such college as it requires ABRSM Grade 5 for practical and theory, which I do not have to start applying. Most importantly, the music industry in Malaysia is simply too weak and it's like almost impossible to get a job unless you are of top notch. It was then I believed I should face reality. I gave up, got myself admitted to UTAR and major in Advertising instead.

I gave up my Flute, I gave up Conducting as I do not learn from my band instructor any more. I was even approached and was given chance to do music arranging. Even though it was a norm for alumni of the band to visit and encourage the juniors once in a while during practise, I did not do so. I still remembered in the farewell dinner organized by my juniors, I did not give any speech or said anything to the current batch of juniors. I still remember Louis Chong telling me how surprised he was for me not to address anything for the juniors. Know what, I simply do not want to do that, because I do not want to get attached to such activities anymore. I wanted it to be the end of it the story, I do not want to waste my time pursuing something that would not happen. Even when I was studying in UTAR, never had I ever take out my Flute. It was like that for almost 3-4 long years.


And guess what?

That was the biggest regret of my life.


I regret for not giving a try in the things that I want to do and just leaving it at that, only to realise how stupid was I back then. It was only during a campaign talk show that I organized, that actually made me realise this fact. It was Chui Ling, the speaker for the 1st night that made me realised, that dreams are meant to be pursued, and if it's not pursued. Regrets will simply just follow. Also, it was a story of someone that actually made me feel how pathetic I am, giving up something because of small matters when he, himself faced so much just to achieve his dreams. Interested to know who? Read the article below




It was because of these reasons, I actually started to look up on ways to re-ignite this passion of mine. This is where I found KVWO, the Kinta Valley Wind Orchestra, and the conductor itself is no other than Eugene Pook himself. You know what, perhaps it was just a twist of fate, but only then I realised that I was actually under him for one rehearsal in the year 2004 when I was in ISB. It was a sleepless night and I was just looking and I found information about this community band. Eventually, I made a bold move to join. I am a person who hesitates a lot, and to be honest, even I am surprised of myself making such move to join in. I went for their first practise even though my instrument wasn't with me. I just sat there, and listened. 

It's been three months since then, and I am about to go to Taiwan to perform with this group of people. To be honest, I'm very excited and I'm definitely looking forward to it. But if you ask me if I have achieved what I wanted, unfortunately, no. Many people thought that what I wanted was to excel in my flute, or perhaps to perform and to make music.


It is unfortunately, not what I want to achieve. 


What I want is not to be part of the group that produces the music. But what I want, is to be the one who design, create and enhance the music. Yes. I aspire to be the conductor itself. The music director. The mastermind behind the music. I want to perform, not as a flautist, but to be the person who leads the group in creating music. 


That's what I want to be.

Which leads me to a great dilemma at this time

Because I simply do not know how am I supposed to do it.


I'm mid-way through my degree in Advertising, and I definitely don't plan to defer from it (My parents will kill me if I do that) but at the same time, I don't think I'll ever let go of this dream of mine. Perhaps taking another degree may work out, but the fees would definitely burden my parents once again. Most importantly, I do not have the qualifications for that too. So how am I supposed to carve my way through? People will say, let things happen. Then take the opportunity given and make do with what I can.
  

Know what? I don't believe in chances

If I want things to happen, I need to make things happen


But honestly, I do not know what I can do now. As of now, I guess the only thing I can do now is to stay in touch with music. Performing in events organized in UTAR, play in KVWO, and perhaps try to get the required certifications from ABRSM for my flute and also theory. I'm also trying to be tutored in conducting by my current conductor. 

Honestly, to juggle between this and my studies had been a very tiring job. Travelling through and fro from Kampar to Ipoh every Sunday is tiring. I even find myself coming back for rehearsals on Sunday, going back on the same day so that I can sit for an exam on Monday, only to go back to Ipoh for sectional rehearsal  right after my exam, and finally going back to Kampar on the same day. I am not sure how this seems to you, but it seems crazy enough for me. There are some of my friends who asks me, why am I acting in such manner? It's only ONE practice session


My answer is simple:

It's my passion.

I have wasted over 4 years running around it. I really do not want to waste any more time.

Which is why I promised myself from the beginning

I will do something for this.

I don't know how

But I just want to try

At least even if I had failed

I know that I've tried



-Signing off-
Posted on 3:28 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Optimist v Pessimist

I was shock to see what I've actually done today

I'm not sure if it's out of desperation or out of courage



But yeah

I'm shocked at how I've reacted to things

Exams are coming up tomorrow

Today will be the last day for me to prepare myself



Have a book as thick as a dictionary to go through

Let's just say, I'm ready to flunk it (My definition of "flunk" though)

Stay optimistic, things usually work better that way

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; 
An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
― Winston S. Churchill


Who are you today?

The optimist?

Or the Pessimist?


Whoever you are, be proud of who you are today
For there's only one you; you're unique on its own


-Signing off-
Posted on 10:14 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Faults

Recording down this moment for the feeling now is simply unexplainable

I wonder what am I feeling deep within me now



Am I feeling sad?

How am I still able to smile at this moment?

I've known about this, and I have also somehow expected it to happen

Perhaps I need time to put everything behind me



However, deep inside me

Is that what I really want to do?

I do not want it

But sometimes, the pain is a little too much to handle



People questioned me before

"How far are you able to go for this?"

I couldn't give an answer not because I can't commit

But simply because I can't imagine how far I can go if there's a single chance



Who's at fault for this situation?

I have no one to blame on

But only to myself

For not being able to be someone to you

Someone worth loving


Then again, somehow

I'll bounce back =)
Posted on 5:38 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Simplicity



It is Monday,1:25AM, 23/4/2012.

I'm currently seated on the couch in my home's living room

Headset's on, Mozart's pieces are being played


It's been pretty tough for me during the past 3 days as a lot of things actually happened. Conflicts, frustrations, sorrow and having too much thoughts deep within me are some of the causes of it. I'm born and brought up in a way where everything needs to be well planned and executed before doing. Thus, I have the habit of thinking a lot before doing something, when I am doing something, and also after doing something. This proved useful in a lot of circumstances when it comes to work and task completion. But this time, I beg to differ. Sometimes, to stay happy, or simply to live, simplicity is what's important.


Sometimes, planning need not to be done at all

Because when things are let to move according to flow, 

It is way better in comparison


Which reminds me on some stuffs that I read in the past, on why children lived so happily, and why childhood memories are one of the best in our life. It is not because as a child, we don't face problems and obstacles. 

It's because as a child, we live simple. 
When you dislike someone, you show it
When you want something, you say it out loud
When you are sad, you cry and be in sorrow
When you are happy, you smile and laugh with joy
When you want to do something, you do it
When you love someone, you love him/her

If life is made that simple, I think I can have a better life. And yes, I'm trying to do so. It is hard, as this method of living may not be acceptable in the current society that brings a mask wherever they go. But well, that's their choice; not mine. I want to live simple.

-Signing off-
Posted on 1:38 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Determined, or desperation?

I've been a very irresponsible person these days.

Skipping almost every single thing I'm responsible to be doing

Avoiding every single responsibility I'm entrusted with

All because of one reason
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, I find continue moving on these days pretty hard. 
Because the moment I'm seated down quietly, thoughts come rushing into my mind. 
It is just as if things are out of control and would just keep on attacking me 
As long as I have a few minutes on my own in my room, it happens
Thus, I chose to go out and NOT return home as much as possible.
I spent my whole day yesterday out from home, I didn't want to go home
Everything was alright when I'm out there, but things reverted when nightfalls

Loneliness creeps into me, 
A sense of sadness came into place,
Thought of the past came back to me,
In as much as I want to stop - It fails

Now, the reason of me writing so much here isn't to rant - or to vent out what's inside me
But I need to encourage myself, to make myself to continue moving on
To move on to something I believe in, to something I dear most

Yes

I may not have succeeded in what I wanted to achieve
But I have to tell myself, this is not the end at all
I got to know of the problem because of this bold move
And if I actually dare to do so, what's stopping me from moving on?
Nothing in this world comes easy - Nothing, ever
But that gives no reason for me to stay put

I just gotta keep moving
And believe that one day
Things will work out

I just need the time - that's all

I'm not sure if this is an act of determination, or simply just desperation
But either way, it's simply because of one reason
Because of you
Posted on 4:09 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Quotes


Some quotes that represent myself currently
Just let me be who I am for now

"How do you look at the girl you love and tell yourself its time to walk away?"

"Yeah, I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon  
but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now" 

"I saw your name today...its crazy how just seeing your name can make my day...
and break it all at the same time" 

"Once you have feelings for someone, it will always be there. 
You may not like them anymore, but you still care." 

"At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life" 

Expected the outcome, expected it to happen
Just never thought it'll be this painful


Still, I wouldn't give up; you are worth the pain
Posted on 8:45 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Taking a leap of faith

I know this may not be the best of time to do something like this

I also know, that this is the time everyone should be focused on studies as exam's coming up

Most importantly, I understand the pressure everyone faces at this moment of time



Then again, I really think I shouldn't delay any more

I may be selfish, trying to pass the pressure away from me for my sake

But I've been keeping it deep within me for almost 3 months


If you have watched it, I believe you would understand what I said

For those who don't know what it is, this post is again not for you.



Honestly, I do not know what will happen as an aftermath for I've decided to do.

I'm a very analytical person; I look into the worst scenario before doing anything

Because of that, a lot of things that I wanted to do

I pull out, I'm just afraid of the outcome




Why did I suddenly decide to make this bold decision?



The answer is rather simple




The risk, is worth for me to take

Because if there's just a small chance for us to move on

I'll take it




But if things are not meant to be

Or things just simply couldn't move on

Perhaps it serves as a wake up call for me

To stop dreaming

To stop lying to myself 

But to continue moving on 

To live in reality




But at the end of the day

I'm grateful

I'm happy

I'm glad


Because you existed in my life

It definitely made my life better and happy

I'll treasure the memories


Don't be afraid

I'm still the same me

But I want to know what it is from your side

Whatever it is from you

I want to know



A quotation that came right on the spot where I needed it today
Got this from Facebook

"I can accept failure but I can't accept myself for not trying at all."
"我可以接受失败，但绝对不能接受未曾奋斗过的自己"

-Signing off-

Posted on 1:10 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

It's not like that

It's not that I do not want to work

But it's just that

I simply can't work at this situation
Posted on 10:11 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Must not be selfish

As I looked back into my past, there's one thing prominent about myself


I'm a selfish dude

Everything I do, I do it for myself

In as much as I claim that I'm doing something for someone else

At the end of the day, the one who benefits is also myself

Sometimes I wonder, what would make me stop being like this?
To be able to give without expecting anything in return
To be able to provide without anyone providing in return
To be able to love without being loved in return
To be able to forgive without being forgiven

To be honest, I do not know how

Nor do I know whether such thing exist in life or not


In my past, things became bad because I love to give pressure to others

Releasing all the pressure from myself, I simply pass it on for others to hold it

From myself being the one who makes decision, I pass the baton for others to decide

Now, I think I shouldn't do that anymore

If there's anyone who is supposed to hold onto it


It'll be me


Not You


I will hold on to it for now.

Although I do not know what would be the answer at the end of the day

I just do not wish to pressure anyone


Everything that I do now, I'm doing it for you
I just hope that, I'm not lying to myself 

-Signing off-
Posted on 3:48 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Something I do not want to lose

Today is another day spent rather unproductively.

Other than 2 chapters of the so many chapters in my exam next week being read

I think I did nothing at all. Literally nothing >_<


I've been thinking a lot and thinking really a lot

There are a lot of things that I want to do

But after consideration

I chose not to, or simply do not have the courage to do so




Because honestly

I do not want to bear the risk 

I can't imagine what will happen, when things turned out negatively


I may be a coward, but it's simply because there are things to dear to me that I do not want to lose

-Signing off-
Posted on 11:12 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

In front of you...

In front of you...

My tongue seems to tie itself to the point it can't say anything



In front of you... 

My brain doesn't function well anymore as I can think of nothing



In front of you...

My known strength hides itself and do not come out anymore



In front of you...

Everything that I had planned, just never work as expected



In front of you... 

I become weak, quiet and shy


I hate myself when I'm in front of you

But I hate myself more when you are not around

Because when that happens,

I hate myself, simply because I couldn't be myself in front of you.




I wished I can be myself in front of you
Posted on 12:32 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I can only blame myself



After all that had happened. What are the causes of it? I am someone who believes that every single effect and happenings are caused by someone; someone known as the self. Myself. So simply saying. It all comes back into me. Every time when problem occurs, I try not to find anything to take as an excuse or to blame someone/something else. Because I know, whatever that happen, is an effect of how I carry out my life, and how I do a particular job. Why did things happen not according to what I want? There's nothing else to blame, only myself. 

At times, I really want to say.
"It is not I that don't want to work things out, but the others do not want to do anything about it"
"I did what I can, just that things didn't work out the way I want it to be"
"It's not my fault, sometimes things aren't just in my control"

Then again at the end of the day. I can only look at things back from my side
"Why didn't I work harder?"
"Why am I such a coward when it comes to dealing with this issue?"
"Is that all that you can give? If yes, then there's no point continuing already"

If I want to make things happen, I need to take actions to make it happen. Not blaming the environment or other factors that causes its failure. I really want to do something, but to be honest, I do not know what can I do at this situation anymore. Anyone that can enlighten me? I would be grateful to that

-Signing off-

Posted on 1:42 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Performance @ Starcruise Libra

I write this post out of pure randomness because I'm waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately, I believe that it won't happen. Hahaha. Anyhow, this was the recording of my performance duet with Jing Cong during UTAR Stardream Ball Night. Have to admit, a lot of mistake, but at the same time, impressed with the tone of my flute. So nice and mellow; partly because I'm using a YFL-411 instead of my piece of nickel-silver plated YFL-221.


Just gonna be a short post. Gonna go off for dinner already.

Enjoy ^_^

-Signing off-
Posted on 6:37 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I've learnt

In life, we learn a lot of things in many many places.
School, society and work are few of them

Its been just 3 days ever since my trip with the cruise and apparently, I haven't learn that time is of essence, simply because I'm still wasting all the time I have doing nothing all the way. I don't really understand why am I blogging again these days but I figure that it's a good way to actually express myself. I couldn't express myself well through words and face to face, but apparently I do it better in writing.

For those still interested to attend, it's still on for the whole week


By this time, I'm already officially out of the committee/organizers' group in Profound, my very own faculty's event. It is well, disappointing. Never the ending that I want it to be, but just can't help it anymore. I was supposed to be back to Kampar on Tuesday to help out in duty but apparently I just fall sick (Perhaps due to the fatigue for one whole week practising and rehearsing). In as much as I try to endure through, I still think it's a bit too much. Thus when my dept. head gave me 2 choice, to continue or to leave. I chose to leave.

The me long long time ago? I don't think I'll ever do that because getting stripped of a post like this makes me look dumb. Or simply because of ego, I won't let this happen. Looking at another perspective, maybe because I consider it a responsibility, I believe that I shouldn't run away just like that and continue fighting.


There's a lot of "Maybe"


But to me, it's simply because of one reason


I think I need some rest


And I can never satisfy everyone



With so many work and due dates waiting ahead, not to mention my FYP and also Final Exam coming up next. I just can't take in anymore. I need a little break. And that's what I got today. Did nothing, achieved nothing. Just plain relaxation and sleeping (I'm a lazy crap).

In addition to that, I have also some things that I need to do. Unfortunately, I really don't know how am I going to do that. I am someone who look at the end before even doing something. I rationalize things well and make sure that it is do-able before doing something. But now, I don't even know what would happen if I do anything. I'm still thinking, I'm still considering. I just hope I don't make the wrong choice. For those who understand what am I saying. Well that just means that you understand me well, if not. Nevermind, it's not meant for you to understand this.




-Signing off-
Posted on 9:13 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

After a storm, the rainbow comes


I was a busy man. This 5 words really reflects back to my life for the past 4-5 weeks. I was really busy with so much stuffs that I can't really cope with it. Thus my past blog post. Nevertheless, I think at the end of the day, the things I learnt, the satisfaction and the friends I gained makes it worth it. So what did I do?

Counseling & Wellness Campaign 2012

If there's anything that brings an impact the most to my life. I would say that this would be the one. From being someone so passive in my University life (Doing nothing for the past 3 years in UTAR), I became active. Most importantly, from being someone who actually decided put down my interest in music, to eventually take it back up, joined a wind orchestra, and gonna go overseas for a performance. Honestly, this one the biggest turnover point in my University life. All because of this. I have got to know a lot of new friends, met a lot of great people with great personalities and capabilities. Really made my life more colourful, Thank you!

Prison Break Prom Night 2012

This was also something BIG that I had this semester. Originally someone who knows nuts about video editing, I became the main editor for this event's video. Honestly, this was also the platform where I found my interest in videos (Although I did it numerous times in Band - And made a lot of juniors/friend cried) Also, it is through this event that I officially made my "Debut" in performing. Really have to thank Lerroy for giving me this opportunity. Although I wasn't officially a committee (or even an event) helper. I stayed throughout the whole event, right till the end. Perhaps because the people here made me feel at home. Love being there. Enjoyed it, still enjoying it. Thanks everyone!

Advertising Dept. Art Exhibition 2012 - Profound

This, perhaps was the greatest regret for this semester. I practically did nothing throughout the whole event due to overloading task from assignments and also my duties in Prison Break Prom. Nevertheless, they did it without me. I was lucky (or thick skinned) for still being able to take some photos with them which I'm obviously not even entitled to have it. Oh well, the exhibition is still on for the next few days. Just hope I am able to at least contribute a little before it ends. I learnt a lot through this, to NOT take too much responsibility when you lack the capability to do something. When you want to have everything, you'll end up having nothing. I believe my Dept. Head would be cursing me by now for disappearing for almost a week out of the 2 week exhibition, not turning up during preparations. But all I can say is, I'm sorry. I really do not want to do so, but I really do not have the time

STARDREAM 2012

This was supposed to be my "debut" before the last minute Prison Break Prom performance came in. If you do not know what is it, it's supposed to be a Ball night; ON A CRUISE. How great is that? Most importantly, I'm performing there. It makes it go even better! Having so much work on hand, I think this trip came at the right time, the right time for me to actually take a break off everything single thing and actually to cool of my mind. Although it is a little stressful performing here, I think we did quite a good job =D Thanks to those who played with me namely Edison, Shermaine, Jing Cong and Lerroy. Without you people, God knows what am I gonna perform. And yeah, Mira too when you sang My Heart Will Go On. I kinda screwed some of my parts, but I think people wouldn't realise that much since the spotlight is on you ^_^

Chamber Music Performers

Performing: Not sure what song though

This trip was a mix of feeling. I felt happy, at the same time a little sad of the things happening inside too. I couldn't and wouldn't write much about it because it's a little too "public" here. But still, it is all these things that makes me a better person, someone who cherishes time, and obviously, that is what life is made out. There may be some sad moments in life, but take that off and you'll be left with only good and sweet memories; and I'm contented with what I have (though it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied) I'll write less here and let the pictures do the talking =D.

Arrival of Performers: Felt like a boss having the whole ship for us

Pretty and Handsome Flutist =D

Taken on the 2nd day: Pose saja

After being so formal on the 1st night, 2nd day casual

Alright, time for bed.
Had been having trouble sleeping due to sickness.
But I think I have to go now.

-Signing off-
Posted on 3:02 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »