Im bad

All my life I've been taught to give willingly, give cheerfully. In fact, every single week during the prayer for my church contribution; prayer were made so that everyone would be able to give cheerfully, for God loves a cheerful giver. Perhaps because of this, I've learnt to give a lot of things in my life; and I'm not saying that it's bad. It's a good thing being able to give, because it simply shows how gifted a person is for having the ability to even give something to the needy. That was how I thought and how it was all along.

In fact, every single time I give and sacrifice; rest assured that no one would ever know about that. Reason being is not because I wanted to hide it from others, but perhaps because I'm just too dumb to even have the guts to let people know. That's how bad I am in expressing myself, to the point where even when I try to gain recognition from people, I end up being the "invisible" person at the scene. Or maybe sometimes when I give, people thought I'm taking in a way (That's how I killed my first relationship didn't I?)

Now, God promised us that when we give, we will receive. Ten folds? Hundred folds? But being a person I am, I just couldn't bear receiving so much when I know that I did not give enough. All my life I've been giving and giving; I'm used to that and I'm happy doing so. But when the tides just somehow turn and now I'm the one receiving everything without giving, I have no idea how to react to it anymore. I shall not elaborate on it because of my personal reasons, but these days, I felt as if I am receiving way too much than what I've given.

I wish to give more too, but to be honest I do not know how anymore; because I am not able to do anything at this point of time. This makes me feel frustrated and perhaps because of that, I am lost entirely at this point of time, not know what to do. It is not that I do not want to do anything, but I simply do not know what am I supposed to do. Some people say, just move on and do anything, as long as it keeps me moving - but I know that if I were to do that, I'll just fail badly again because I can never do something if my heart is not in it.

In as much as I feel like letting go everything and start anew, I know I can't because the moment I do so, I'm asking and will end up receiving again. Perhaps what I need is time, but having no idea how much time I can actually have, brings me back to square one again.
Posted on 4:03 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

I'm going crazy

It's been a pretty rough day today. I did not do anything at all throughout the whole day and I guess it is just another day wasted on doing nothing. However, the issue is that I can't put my heart and soul into doing something when it's so busy working on something else. I'm just not the multitasker everyone thought I'm good at. Or perhaps, I am good at multi-tasking only when I am sure of what I want.

The issue now is that, at this point of time; I do not know what I want anymore. Maybe not because I do not know, but it's simply because I cannot accept the fact. Everyone around me is seemingly working towards what they want to be. They are working towards their dreams and goals. On the other side of the world, there is me, who is making all sorts of turns and detours because I just couldn't do what I want to.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I fail so much in trying to get to my destination. Is it because I am not able to be patient enough? Or I'm just simply the failing in every single way that I've been working on. I used to be someone who is very persistent and not-willing-to-give up in the things that I want. That was where I eventually thought to myself that going straight ahead just wouldn't work and thus I opted to be simpler, and make do with what I have. Then again, it is at this moment that I felt, what I have is just never what I wanted afterall.

I do not know, whether I am just simply too greedy to ask for so much
Or perhaps making do with what I have, just wouldn't work for people like me
I just couldn't be satisfied with what I have at the moment. 

I remember telling myself that life's great but the moment people tell me the opposite, I tend to agree with them and scrapped off everything I've been telling myself for the past months, or perhaps years. I'm already a graduated student, and I'm no longer a student. What I felt I've achieved in the past 22 years of my life? It's absolutely nothing.

My life is so mediocre and moderate to the point where if a person ask what's the "greatest" moment of my life. I could never be able to answer that, because up until now, I've never experienced this "greatest" moment. None. Sometimes I just do not want to move on, because by having to move on, I need to make decisions. And making decisions that are beyond what I really want and beyond what I can control? I feel bad about it.

Many people talk about dreams, be it in their life, career, relationships, family, or anything related to their life. Guess what, I have them too. It is just that, none of them ever came true, or perhaps it just haven't. I'm not too sure. Perhaps I just do not have the patience to achieve it, and I gave up halfway all the time. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to sacrifice what I already have to simply have the "chance" to achieve it.

It's the war of the heart vs mind all the time I guess

I'm going crazy 
Posted on 3:44 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »