I'm tired

I will probably regret this when I wake up the next morning. Probably, because it is usually late at night where I start to think a lot and somehow lose the sense of control I have always tried to put hold onto myself. 

My life is a constant struggle. Or perhaps, life is always a struggle to live in for everyone - not only to myself. However, I really do not understand why are things always going against what I want and also what I actually enjoy and love?

In my life, I have always tried to focus on just 'be happy'. With that aim, I do not aim or wish for a wealthy life, nor would I want to put my aims too high above my capabilities - Simply because the fact that having an unattainable dreams would just somehow make me feel worse than I can ever feel.

My life, is also in some sort of ways being bonded by a lot of elements. Elements that people always tell me that is for the betterment. Elements that helps me to be a better person. An element known as 'Godliness'

I was born in a Christian family, raised and taught since I was a kid on the do & don't of a Christian - How we should act, behave and become in the future. My parents did a great job in my upbringing, instilling values that people deem worthy and valuable in life.

I am proud with myself and how I see things in life. Somehow, I felt that I am different because while everyone gets depressed with the constant rush in life to look for material success in life to be happy, I always tell myself that I am already happy

Yet, it is times like this where everything just falls apart

I was being taught that trials and temptations always come into our life as Christians. That as Christians, we are often being challenged and persecuted for what we trust and believe in. That being said, no matter how bad it is, I have to continue to believe and hold on to the principles that are being taught ever since I am born.

However, I guess I am really very tired of enduring everything already. I am tired of holding on to my beliefs, thoughts and principles that I once held in my life; because of all these principles - I have to forgo so many things which are dear to me.

And it's really painful when I look back into my life. 

Dreams, relationships, and experiences are the least that I could figure out; and definitely - there are more.

While everyone around me are free to try things out and experience everything under the sun, here am I stuck under something called 'Principalities' and 'Rules'

Worse of all, I am constantly having the thought that I am always being governed by people they call 'gatekeepers' that would always be on the lookout for whatever I do and whatever I say.

When people get to say whatever they want and do whatever they want to do, I find myself constantly being watched and observed - and if it is put into extreme, I can even call that as being controlled

Simple things such as a social media posting of words like "damn" and "shit" can actually get me into trouble because of simple comments like "I am not supposed to use words like this" 

What makes it worse is that if those are in songs that I enjoy, I am also in a way not 'encouraged' to listen to such music - Which I honestly find, stupid. Then again, fine because if it is supposed to be that way - I will not challenge it too!

There are definitely more to be said, but having so much people reading & commenting on my life, I really do not know how am I supposed to be honest with myself. I have been lying to myself so many times to stop myself from thinking 'sideways' but I guess I am really tired of it now.

It is times like this, that I really want to just decide to be the opposite of the current me. To do all the things no one would've imagined that I would do. To be someone no one ever thought that I could be.

However, how could I do so? When I am responsible to so many other people whom in their own way shaped me to be who I am today?

My parents, the church, my friends and my loved ones - I will only end up disappointing each and every one of them if I were to decide that it is time for me to be someone that they wouldn't recognize anymore!

What I know as of now is, I am not happy with my life. 

I am not happy with the things that constantly bind me and held onto me. Despite me knowing that it is for the good of myself, I just do not feel good being who I am now.

I have given up so many things, friends, and loved ones because of that - and it's starting to take its toll onto me.

I'm so tired of constantly trying to comfort myself that "everything is going to be okay" the next day

And seriously, I do not want to lose myself

- Jefferychan (12/3/2014)

Posted on 3:15 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Thoughts on Mirrors spoofing


Many had understood and known what happened with the issue of Mirrors spoofing a player during TLC League Series game against Nothing to Lose (Game 2) and iSg.KTHXBAI (Game 1 and 2)

Tentatively, the decision made by Garena Malaysia to resolve the issue is as the following:-

1. Mirrors to forfeit the 3 games that they spoofed
2. iSg.MY and NtL to fight it out on another date for 4th and 5th placing

Many may argue that it is fair, since Mirrors only spoofed in 3 games, and thus all 3 games considered as loss is a fair play by Garena. Which I beg to differ.

The fact is, when a player spoofs in a competitive game it is WRONG. Nothing and no explanation is needed trying to justify that it is RIGHT to do so

Lets look at some of the facts that happened in the League Scene in other continents and countries:-

Counter Logic Gaming: when dexter had visa problems as was unable to play, CLG had to recall HotshotGG/Chauster/Link switching from mid to jungle to have a 5 man team
Gambit Gaming: When Alex Ich, Darien and Diamond's VISA expired and couldn't attend match day, they subbed in NiP's players to play
Team SoloMid: Bjergsen couldn't play for week 7 of LCS, thus Reginald came out of retirement to play

All matches played are official "subs" approved by Riot and OGN. Players know what happened and know how to adapt to it. Mirrors could've done so. In fact, they HAVE 100percentme and Chrome Dokuro registered as substitute. Why bring someone not registered into the game but use a player who is NOT supposed to play?

When it comes to competitive gaming, there is a need for the organizers to be strict in their decisions because what competitive players do, will eventually be reflected on Solo Queue, vice versa.

Lets have a look at what other regions do when they have such problems:-

Korean Champions: Team Dark got DQ-ed for the whole season/split bcos of trolling in game
European LCS: Ninja in Pyjamas got DQ-ed because they could not field a team on time. Also, Lemondog lost their place in the LCS because they could not field an OFFICIAL and valid team
North America LCS: Absolute legends got DQ-ed and banned because of 'ghosting' and cheating in their game

As it is already obvious that Mirrors are at the wrong, the decision of just disqualifying the three games of Mirrors, without any ban of the team or any players intrigues me.

After everything that Mirrors had committed, they retained being in the winner's bracket without any further penalties and is cleared from every single trouble.

As opposed to every other team that got affected, Nothing to Lose and iSg.MY Evo having to play an extra game on the weekend for no reason, and the initial swapping of games - forcing 6th and 7th placed Fluffy Gaming and Team Passby to play a week earlier (which is changed in the end)

The question I would like to pose is: Which side is losing more?

Because from my point of view, every single team in Malaysia (except KLH and KTB) had to go for an extra trouble because of ONE team - Mirrors

What did Mirrors had to face after causing so much havoc? Nothing but 3 losses, which would still guarantee them 3rd place and being at the winner's bracket.

Personally, I felt that it is very unfair for all the other teams. While it is not their fault things are in such a problematic situation, they are the ones that are facing all the trouble.

Garena have a big decision to make, and I really hope that they could make the right decision from here on.

If spoofing a player into competitive gaming will result in losses for the game/match without anything else, I guess I am willing to take the risk in the future

Afterall, if I get caught, I would just have to forfeit a game that I would've otherwise lost.

Everyone else will bear the consequences of my action, I feel great!

The Riot's Manisfesto tells us that it is the "Players Experience First" being their first priority. However, it is sad to say that at this moment:

Nothing is being reflected in the Malaysian scene





Posted on 10:16 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »