Sigh

I don't usually come to my blog anymore. In fact, it's been months since I ever felt like typing what's inside me. Perhaps it's a form of 'protection' that I give to myself - so that I do not seem too fragile from the perspective of others. Anyhow, after this 'extended' period of time, I felt the need to release some steam before I go crazy yet again.

Yesterday was by far one of the terrible days that has happened after quite a long time. It's been a long time ever since I was being forced to swallow this bitter pill again; a pill called defeat. I remembered how stinging was it deep inside me last time when my marching band lost in the Perak State Marching Band Competition.

This time, it was a game. As childish at it seems, this defeat was a bitter pill to swallow to the extent that up until now, I still feel the sting right into my heart - affecting my mood and feelings throughout the day.

However, talking about the defeat makes no purpose. Simply saying, because it does not change the fact anymore. Thus the most important thing now is to continue going on, checking on the error and ensure that it doesn't happen again. I always believe that in these situation, the most important thing to do is to find solutions.

That being said, I guess up till this point - I still do not know how to solve problems in regards to people. I do not know how to motivate, help or lead others.

Inasmuch as I took up multiple roles/leadership positions in high school/University. I just felt that I'm inferior compared to the others.

Damn, I'm really bad at leading ain't it right?
Posted on 6:57 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Meaningful lessons

I've recently watch a lot of drama, variety shows and etc due to my free time and to be honest, I think I gained a lot from those programmes because these supposed-to-be-entertainment material gave me so much of the motivations I needed. 

1. The virtual marriage of "We got Married" made me realised that in every beginning, and ending awaits. We can't escape the ending, but we can choose to embrace the present, and work on making the best that we can of our life

2. The TVB Drama "A Change of Heart" taught me that the main reason why people dwell in sadness and unhappiness is because we were taught of the word "Forever, Eternal, and Everlasting". It is because of these words, it makes us felt that if something do not last forever, it is something not worth looking for; but the truth is, nothing on earth lasts forever and if we can live on with that belief, we would learn how to appreciate things as it goes, and life's worth much more living that way

3. Finally, a supposedly comedy TVB Drama "Awfully Lawful" taught me that nothing, and no choice is right or wrong because at different time, we weigh issues differently. Most of the time, we use a lot of time to weigh and decide on which would be the best choice, but unknowingly - we would've just lost the moment of your life, thus regretting your action. At the end of the day, you would've done nothing. Achieving nothing.

Just a little sharing and thoughts that I would like to share.

Signing off-
Posted on 2:34 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I think I found my light ....

After being on "Hibernation" mode for such a long period of time. I think I'd finally get to know what am I gonna do now that I am actually a graduated student. And honestly, sometimes it's a little weird how things worked out but perhaps this is an act of God. To be honest, it's been a very long time ever since I felt this confidence into the future. I'd wish I could write more about it, but I don't think it's something possible now. However, I guess I'll start thinking and planning instead. Lets just hope all things will go well from here on.

-Signing off-
Posted on 5:21 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Heart or Mind; Gut or Eyes

I'm way too free these days; which actually allow me to play and watch TV everyday to the point that I don't even know what am I doing anymore. Most of my time were spent on playing XCOM, Civilization V and most recently SIMS 3 and at the same time watching some TVB Drama which is lame, lame and lame. Then again, there is one quote from a drama that attracted me to ponder upon for tonight. I can't actually put it in sentence but it goes something like this.

"Gut (Heart) feelings or the Eyes (Mind). Which should we follow? 
Because if we follow our hearts, every single thing in our mind 
wouldn't matter anymore, vice versa"  

Which reminded me of what my friend once told me about the heart and mind issue where that person mentioned that we should be following the mind, because the heart usually thinks and gives stupid, emotional and illogical thoughts. Which somehow, I agree at this point of time because we live in a world full of issues and problems solved with diplomacy, logical & critical thinking and also PR. Thus, the heart may not be working the way the world wants it to be anymore, at least for long term problems. 

I guess, this had allowed me to clear my thoughts on a lot of things these days. At least during the war that always happen within me, the war of 'Mind vs Heart' can be sorted out much easily for me; because for long term problems, dreams and life changing decisions - it's usually best decided by the mind; not because it may be the true saying inside you, but because it would be the most rational decision made. 

However, for short term, clutch problem. I'd say the best way would be to focus on the heart. Because these clutch and split-second decision, wouldn't allow us to use our brain at all and thus, the decision from the heart would be the better decision, not because it is the right decision but simply because it would be something you wouldn't regret due to the fact that deep inside you? You chose that.

Now that I'm done writing, I can continue conducting my Orchestra in SIMS 3. 
Can't believe my company gave me a limousine as my transport to work.
All my dreams became a reality in the virtual world of SIMS 3
No wonder people get addicted to the virtual world

Kthxbai
Posted on 12:06 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Im bad

All my life I've been taught to give willingly, give cheerfully. In fact, every single week during the prayer for my church contribution; prayer were made so that everyone would be able to give cheerfully, for God loves a cheerful giver. Perhaps because of this, I've learnt to give a lot of things in my life; and I'm not saying that it's bad. It's a good thing being able to give, because it simply shows how gifted a person is for having the ability to even give something to the needy. That was how I thought and how it was all along.

In fact, every single time I give and sacrifice; rest assured that no one would ever know about that. Reason being is not because I wanted to hide it from others, but perhaps because I'm just too dumb to even have the guts to let people know. That's how bad I am in expressing myself, to the point where even when I try to gain recognition from people, I end up being the "invisible" person at the scene. Or maybe sometimes when I give, people thought I'm taking in a way (That's how I killed my first relationship didn't I?)

Now, God promised us that when we give, we will receive. Ten folds? Hundred folds? But being a person I am, I just couldn't bear receiving so much when I know that I did not give enough. All my life I've been giving and giving; I'm used to that and I'm happy doing so. But when the tides just somehow turn and now I'm the one receiving everything without giving, I have no idea how to react to it anymore. I shall not elaborate on it because of my personal reasons, but these days, I felt as if I am receiving way too much than what I've given.

I wish to give more too, but to be honest I do not know how anymore; because I am not able to do anything at this point of time. This makes me feel frustrated and perhaps because of that, I am lost entirely at this point of time, not know what to do. It is not that I do not want to do anything, but I simply do not know what am I supposed to do. Some people say, just move on and do anything, as long as it keeps me moving - but I know that if I were to do that, I'll just fail badly again because I can never do something if my heart is not in it.

In as much as I feel like letting go everything and start anew, I know I can't because the moment I do so, I'm asking and will end up receiving again. Perhaps what I need is time, but having no idea how much time I can actually have, brings me back to square one again.
Posted on 4:03 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

I'm going crazy

It's been a pretty rough day today. I did not do anything at all throughout the whole day and I guess it is just another day wasted on doing nothing. However, the issue is that I can't put my heart and soul into doing something when it's so busy working on something else. I'm just not the multitasker everyone thought I'm good at. Or perhaps, I am good at multi-tasking only when I am sure of what I want.

The issue now is that, at this point of time; I do not know what I want anymore. Maybe not because I do not know, but it's simply because I cannot accept the fact. Everyone around me is seemingly working towards what they want to be. They are working towards their dreams and goals. On the other side of the world, there is me, who is making all sorts of turns and detours because I just couldn't do what I want to.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I fail so much in trying to get to my destination. Is it because I am not able to be patient enough? Or I'm just simply the failing in every single way that I've been working on. I used to be someone who is very persistent and not-willing-to-give up in the things that I want. That was where I eventually thought to myself that going straight ahead just wouldn't work and thus I opted to be simpler, and make do with what I have. Then again, it is at this moment that I felt, what I have is just never what I wanted afterall.

I do not know, whether I am just simply too greedy to ask for so much
Or perhaps making do with what I have, just wouldn't work for people like me
I just couldn't be satisfied with what I have at the moment. 

I remember telling myself that life's great but the moment people tell me the opposite, I tend to agree with them and scrapped off everything I've been telling myself for the past months, or perhaps years. I'm already a graduated student, and I'm no longer a student. What I felt I've achieved in the past 22 years of my life? It's absolutely nothing.

My life is so mediocre and moderate to the point where if a person ask what's the "greatest" moment of my life. I could never be able to answer that, because up until now, I've never experienced this "greatest" moment. None. Sometimes I just do not want to move on, because by having to move on, I need to make decisions. And making decisions that are beyond what I really want and beyond what I can control? I feel bad about it.

Many people talk about dreams, be it in their life, career, relationships, family, or anything related to their life. Guess what, I have them too. It is just that, none of them ever came true, or perhaps it just haven't. I'm not too sure. Perhaps I just do not have the patience to achieve it, and I gave up halfway all the time. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to sacrifice what I already have to simply have the "chance" to achieve it.

It's the war of the heart vs mind all the time I guess

I'm going crazy 
Posted on 3:44 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

What I seek

I am a person of low self-esteem. Many may feel the opposite of what I wrote, but this is the tiny truth of myself that I would never want to show to people; never reflected in the things that I do or how I actually act in public. However, truth are truth and I can never hide that - I am a person of a very low self-esteem. A lot of things and issues people deem easy and simple to be done such as going to a person and talking to him/her is so hard for me as if it is asking me to go upstage to talk to over 1 million people in public (Which I am not afraid to, but not to a single person). Also, in everything I do; I ensure that I've given 300% of my thoughts and consideration before even daring to mention it out to people close to me. It is not that I am cautious or careful, but simply because I do not have the courage to do so!

To be honest, even after saying so - a lot of people would disagree to me because every single time this situation arises, I'll portray myself in a different way where people say that respected me for being so. But honestly, I guess I'm at the right side of the story to tell them that "I know myself better". The thing is, everyone have the personal side of them and perhaps this is more of the personal problem that I have; I have bad communication skills and low self-esteem.

Thus most of the time, I only ask of ONE element from the people around me

That element is encouragement

And I guess I'm getting a lot of it these days



Thanks ^^
Posted on 6:16 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Valentine's Day

The 14th of February had never been an important date for me; I'd never actually bother taking note of the day ever since I was born. People may claim that the reason I would say so is because I've never actually got the 'other part' of me at all. Well, after considering and putting things into deep thoughts, I guess I 'could' consider that one of the reasons but I am definitely not going to talk about that issue at all for this post (because it simple shows how sad of a person am I sometimes)

I am someone who believes that things happens best when it happens naturally, without any element of force being put into it. Perhaps that is also the reason why I am never usually the person who would take note of festivals, celebration or perhaps even specific dates such as anniversaries. I do not know, whether it is actually a good thing or a bad thing; but to me, there is not much a value if people only do something because it is a known 'date' or 'time' where 'something' just have to be done.

It's like, do I really have to wait till my birthday to say that I've grown one year older?
Or do I really have to be gifting someone items during Valentine's day to express the love I have?

Definitely not, and it's also definitely not something that I can forsee myself doing. Of course, I do not discount and displace the importance of such dates because it does give an impact into people's life and also attitude towards a particular issue, but if it is only done on that specific days, it becomes a little disturbing.

Anyhow, from the deepest from my heart; I wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year, and Happy Valentines Day. =)
Posted on 5:38 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Nomads

Ever heard of the word "Nomad"? If you've been through Form 5 History, I'd hope that you would actually know else I will be wondering what have you guys been doing in high school. But for the benefit for my readers, nomads are usually a group of people in ancient time who do not have a specific settling place. They live from day to day, travelling and changing their settlement every time they run out of resources. In other words, they have no place in the world that they are actually close to and can go to when they are really in need.

That's for this group of people. What about me? To be honest, I use this word to represent myself after thinking and pondering upon my life for the past few hours. I've been going group by group, places by places, societies by societies; getting to know so many people but yet when I ask myself who and which part of it I am actually an "ingroup", I couldn't answer to that. It is as what one of my friend used to say; "A person who joins numerous groups, having gatherings and activities lined up, but do not actually have a place or group of people that can be called "home" After such realisation, I finally found out that I'm just trying to hard to fit into groups, and getting into groups; because at the end of the day - I'm more like alone the whole time.

I don't know why am I feeling this, whether I'm thinking a little too much or not. 

But truth to be told, I really feel lonely all the time. 
People asked me to embrace the loneliness and enjoy it.
But honestly, I do not know how

You know, when I look back into my life since Form 1
I just realised I've never actually 'had' a proper 'in-group'
Which made me wonder

What had I been doing since that time?
Nothing.
Posted on 1:13 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

The road less travelled by


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference"

If the 3 sentence about seemed familiar, it is already an excerpt from the poem "The Road Not Taken". Very simple and meaningful poem which can actually explain my life ever since a long long time ago. I do not know why, but this poem came into my mind when I wanted to get to bed to rest up a little for tomorrow. 

I am 22 this year, and to be honest, when I look into myself to do self reflection, I found out that I have never actually "succeeded" in anything big or proud. Perhaps the only time I felt proud of myself is when  I got straight A's for my UPSR exam when I was 12 years old? Simply because it is only through these "mainstream" things that I can actually get noticed. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I not get good reputation or perhaps a chance where people can look up onto  me and thus allowing me to look up upon myself? Well, just now I found some hints that it is because I have always taken the different road; "the one less travelled by".

All my life, I strived to be different; to be unorthodox. I refuse to follow the norms of what a proper student should do - study hard and score well in exam, get into a good University and get a professional career. A doctor, lawyer perhaps? But I always decide to do the exact opposite. I took the road where I believe that studies don't bring me anywhere far. I went for extra-curricular activities, and had a good balance of both (I guess?). When people studied hard to get into good Universities and work in the science stream to be professionals and engineers, I chose to get into the arts stream; not because I suck at Science, but simply because I avoided the norm.

To bring matters even further, I put music as my passion in life. When everyone was trying hard to score in the University exams, I made trips back through and fro from Kampar to Ipoh for practices due to performances in my band. When people are in a rush for assignments, I put my time and effort in practising for performances in events, on ships or a simple ball night. Sports? When people are focusing on popular sports such as football, badminton and basketball, I put my effort on E-Sports, where people thinks that I am a joke, and take what I do as simply "playing computer games" and "computer addicts" or perhaps "da gei zai". While things are being looked in such negative ways, sometimes, it just takes a wee bit of understanding to look things in my perspective. 

To be honest, I am very confident that if I had chosen to go to what ordinary people would do, study hard, work hard and get a good degree in professional courses. Go for good jobs and take up sports like badminton and basketball. Socialise through societies and clubs like Leo and Lions Club. I believe that I can and I am definitely able to be as successful as what a lot of people around me are. Unfortunately, never had I did such thing. Am I simply talking big, full of trash and bullshit? Nah, I believe I am not. So do I ever regretted such decisions and choice that I made? No, not a single bit. It is simply because I believe that life is too short and there's too many things that I have yet to experience.

I am an unorthodox person,I walk the road of the lesser and as what you would've guessed, I suffered the negativity immensely. To me, though, it does not matter, because it is from all these things; I learnt a lot of things the hard way. I may not seem successful at this moment, average results in exams, not having a lot of achievements, may not have a bright future in my career, etc; but I believe things will change in the future, and I will work towards it.

To have a breakthrough in life is tough, but still possible
To have a breakthrough in a clutter is tougher, but not impossible
But to have a breakthrough in something that is not in existence
That's what I'm aiming for, looking towards. 
Posted on 6:21 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

New Year

Yesterday was 1/1/13; which marks a new year after a really long and interesting year 2012. It's been a very tiring year but at the same time rewarding because if I were to pen down my thoughts of year 2012, it would take a very long time as there are just too much things to express. Then again, things just don't end the way I thought it would be this year, as although I thought things would be smooth sailing, it didn't happened. There were already so much of challenges and hardship waiting to be handled, and also to give me a hard slap on my face, twice.

Giving is something people always claim to be good for a person. Well, the more you give, the more you receive, right? Then again, sometimes it's really hard to continue giving when the more you give, the more you receive; but not good things in return; instead bad and painful returns.That is why, I am actually never fond of giving unless I really care and want to do so. Everything I do, I do it without expecting anything in return. At least by doing so, I can tell myself that I wouldn't be disappointed when things do not turn out as it is because I do it, simply because I want to do it and I have no one to blame for that. Then again, sometimes it just hurts too badly.

I understand though, that it's never a reason to stop giving. 

I'll continue giving and contributing until the end of it. 

Sometimes, I really do hope that there would be times where I can receive encouragement or affirmation, perhaps even an acknowledgement for the things that I've been trying so hard to do. Guess what? Sometimes a simple sentence of "You're getting better" makes my day, and it is proven today. I felt great, when someone acknowledge me for what I've been trying to do so hard for such long period of time. Of course, I wouldn't ask for it because its not valuable any longer if it needs to be asked.

There isn't much I'm hoping for in the Year 2013, because I think I already have an abundance of what I need. Maybe its now the time for me to actually give, rather than to receive. To give, more of love, more of care, and more of what I have. If I were to have a new year resolution, it would be to give more. 

Posted on 5:10 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »