I don't usually come to my blog anymore. In fact, it's been months since I ever felt like typing what's inside me. Perhaps it's a form of 'protection' that I give to myself - so that I do not seem too fragile from the perspective of others. Anyhow, after this 'extended' period of time, I felt the need to release some steam before I go crazy yet again.

Yesterday was by far one of the terrible days that has happened after quite a long time. It's been a long time ever since I was being forced to swallow this bitter pill again; a pill called defeat. I remembered how stinging was it deep inside me last time when my marching band lost in the Perak State Marching Band Competition.

This time, it was a game. As childish at it seems, this defeat was a bitter pill to swallow to the extent that up until now, I still feel the sting right into my heart - affecting my mood and feelings throughout the day.

However, talking about the defeat makes no purpose. Simply saying, because it does not change the fact anymore. Thus the most important thing now is to continue going on, checking on the error and ensure that it doesn't happen again. I always believe that in these situation, the most important thing to do is to find solutions.

That being said, I guess up till this point - I still do not know how to solve problems in regards to people. I do not know how to motivate, help or lead others.

Inasmuch as I took up multiple roles/leadership positions in high school/University. I just felt that I'm inferior compared to the others.

Damn, I'm really bad at leading ain't it right?

I'm way too free these days; which actually allow me to play and watch TV everyday to the point that I don't even know what am I doing anymore. Most of my time were spent on playing XCOM, Civilization V and most recently SIMS 3 and at the same time watching some TVB Drama which is lame, lame and lame. Then again, there is one quote from a drama that attracted me to ponder upon for tonight. I can't actually put it in sentence but it goes something like this.

All my life I've been taught to give willingly, give cheerfully. In fact, every single week during the prayer for my church contribution; prayer were made so that everyone would be able to give cheerfully, for God loves a cheerful giver. Perhaps because of this, I've learnt to give a lot of things in my life; and I'm not saying that it's bad. It's a good thing being able to give, because it simply shows how gifted a person is for having the ability to even give something to the needy. That was how I thought and how it was all along.

In fact, every single time I give and sacrifice; rest assured that no one would ever know about that. Reason being is not because I wanted to hide it from others, but perhaps because I'm just too dumb to even have the guts to let people know. That's how bad I am in expressing myself, to the point where even when I try to gain recognition from people, I end up being the "invisible" person at the scene. Or maybe sometimes when I give, people thought I'm taking in a way (That's how I killed my first relationship didn't I?)

Now, God promised us that when we give, we will receive. Ten folds? Hundred folds? But being a person I am, I just couldn't bear receiving so much when I know that I did not give enough. All my life I've been giving and giving; I'm used to that and I'm happy doing so. But when the tides just somehow turn and now I'm the one receiving everything without giving, I have no idea how to react to it anymore. I shall not elaborate on it because of my personal reasons, but these days, I felt as if I am receiving way too much than what I've given.

I wish to give more too, but to be honest I do not know how anymore; because I am not able to do anything at this point of time. This makes me feel frustrated and perhaps because of that, I am lost entirely at this point of time, not know what to do. It is not that I do not want to do anything, but I simply do not know what am I supposed to do. Some people say, just move on and do anything, as long as it keeps me moving - but I know that if I were to do that, I'll just fail badly again because I can never do something if my heart is not in it.

In as much as I feel like letting go everything and start anew, I know I can't because the moment I do so, I'm asking and will end up receiving again. Perhaps what I need is time, but having no idea how much time I can actually have, brings me back to square one again.

It's been a pretty rough day today. I did not do anything at all throughout the whole day and I guess it is just another day wasted on doing nothing. However, the issue is that I can't put my heart and soul into doing something when it's so busy working on something else. I'm just not the multitasker everyone thought I'm good at. Or perhaps, I am good at multi-tasking only when I am sure of what I want.

The issue now is that, at this point of time; I do not know what I want anymore. Maybe not because I do not know, but it's simply because I cannot accept the fact. Everyone around me is seemingly working towards what they want to be. They are working towards their dreams and goals. On the other side of the world, there is me, who is making all sorts of turns and detours because I just couldn't do what I want to.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I fail so much in trying to get to my destination. Is it because I am not able to be patient enough? Or I'm just simply the failing in every single way that I've been working on. I used to be someone who is very persistent and not-willing-to-give up in the things that I want. That was where I eventually thought to myself that going straight ahead just wouldn't work and thus I opted to be simpler, and make do with what I have. Then again, it is at this moment that I felt, what I have is just never what I wanted afterall.

The 14th of February had never been an important date for me; I'd never actually bother taking note of the day ever since I was born. People may claim that the reason I would say so is because I've never actually got the 'other part' of me at all. Well, after considering and putting things into deep thoughts, I guess I 'could' consider that one of the reasons but I am definitely not going to talk about that issue at all for this post (because it simple shows how sad of a person am I sometimes)

I am someone who believes that things happens best when it happens naturally, without any element of force being put into it. Perhaps that is also the reason why I am never usually the person who would take note of festivals, celebration or perhaps even specific dates such as anniversaries. I do not know, whether it is actually a good thing or a bad thing; but to me, there is not much a value if people only do something because it is a known 'date' or 'time' where 'something' just have to be done.

It's like, do I really have to wait till my birthday to say that I've grown one year older?
Or do I really have to be gifting someone items during Valentine's day to express the love I have?

Definitely not, and it's also definitely not something that I can forsee myself doing. Of course, I do not discount and displace the importance of such dates because it does give an impact into people's life and also attitude towards a particular issue, but if it is only done on that specific days, it becomes a little disturbing.

Anyhow, from the deepest from my heart; I wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year, and Happy Valentines Day. =)

Ever heard of the word "Nomad"? If you've been through Form 5 History, I'd hope that you would actually know else I will be wondering what have you guys been doing in high school. But for the benefit for my readers, nomads are usually a group of people in ancient time who do not have a specific settling place. They live from day to day, travelling and changing their settlement every time they run out of resources. In other words, they have no place in the world that they are actually close to and can go to when they are really in need.

Yesterday was 1/1/13; which marks a new year after a really long and interesting year 2012. It's been a very tiring year but at the same time rewarding because if I were to pen down my thoughts of year 2012, it would take a very long time as there are just too much things to express. Then again, things just don't end the way I thought it would be this year, as although I thought things would be smooth sailing, it didn't happened. There were already so much of challenges and hardship waiting to be handled, and also to give me a hard slap on my face, twice.

Giving is something people always claim to be good for a person. Well, the more you give, the more you receive, right? Then again, sometimes it's really hard to continue giving when the more you give, the more you receive; but not good things in return; instead bad and painful returns.That is why, I am actually never fond of giving unless I really care and want to do so. Everything I do, I do it without expecting anything in return. At least by doing so, I can tell myself that I wouldn't be disappointed when things do not turn out as it is because I do it, simply because I want to do it and I have no one to blame for that. Then again, sometimes it just hurts too badly.