Optimist v Pessimist

I was shock to see what I've actually done today

I'm not sure if it's out of desperation or out of courage



But yeah

I'm shocked at how I've reacted to things

Exams are coming up tomorrow

Today will be the last day for me to prepare myself



Have a book as thick as a dictionary to go through

Let's just say, I'm ready to flunk it (My definition of "flunk" though)

Stay optimistic, things usually work better that way

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; 
An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
― Winston S. Churchill


Who are you today?

The optimist?

Or the Pessimist?


Whoever you are, be proud of who you are today
For there's only one you; you're unique on its own


-Signing off-
Posted on 10:14 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Faults

Recording down this moment for the feeling now is simply unexplainable

I wonder what am I feeling deep within me now



Am I feeling sad?

How am I still able to smile at this moment?

I've known about this, and I have also somehow expected it to happen

Perhaps I need time to put everything behind me



However, deep inside me

Is that what I really want to do?

I do not want it

But sometimes, the pain is a little too much to handle



People questioned me before

"How far are you able to go for this?"

I couldn't give an answer not because I can't commit

But simply because I can't imagine how far I can go if there's a single chance



Who's at fault for this situation?

I have no one to blame on

But only to myself

For not being able to be someone to you

Someone worth loving


Then again, somehow

I'll bounce back =)
Posted on 5:38 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Simplicity



It is Monday,1:25AM, 23/4/2012.

I'm currently seated on the couch in my home's living room

Headset's on, Mozart's pieces are being played


It's been pretty tough for me during the past 3 days as a lot of things actually happened. Conflicts, frustrations, sorrow and having too much thoughts deep within me are some of the causes of it. I'm born and brought up in a way where everything needs to be well planned and executed before doing. Thus, I have the habit of thinking a lot before doing something, when I am doing something, and also after doing something. This proved useful in a lot of circumstances when it comes to work and task completion. But this time, I beg to differ. Sometimes, to stay happy, or simply to live, simplicity is what's important.


Sometimes, planning need not to be done at all

Because when things are let to move according to flow, 

It is way better in comparison


Which reminds me on some stuffs that I read in the past, on why children lived so happily, and why childhood memories are one of the best in our life. It is not because as a child, we don't face problems and obstacles. 

It's because as a child, we live simple. 
When you dislike someone, you show it
When you want something, you say it out loud
When you are sad, you cry and be in sorrow
When you are happy, you smile and laugh with joy
When you want to do something, you do it
When you love someone, you love him/her

If life is made that simple, I think I can have a better life. And yes, I'm trying to do so. It is hard, as this method of living may not be acceptable in the current society that brings a mask wherever they go. But well, that's their choice; not mine. I want to live simple.

-Signing off-
Posted on 1:38 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Determined, or desperation?

I've been a very irresponsible person these days.

Skipping almost every single thing I'm responsible to be doing

Avoiding every single responsibility I'm entrusted with

All because of one reason
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, I find continue moving on these days pretty hard. 
Because the moment I'm seated down quietly, thoughts come rushing into my mind. 
It is just as if things are out of control and would just keep on attacking me 
As long as I have a few minutes on my own in my room, it happens
Thus, I chose to go out and NOT return home as much as possible.
I spent my whole day yesterday out from home, I didn't want to go home
Everything was alright when I'm out there, but things reverted when nightfalls

Loneliness creeps into me, 
A sense of sadness came into place,
Thought of the past came back to me,
In as much as I want to stop - It fails

Now, the reason of me writing so much here isn't to rant - or to vent out what's inside me
But I need to encourage myself, to make myself to continue moving on
To move on to something I believe in, to something I dear most

Yes

I may not have succeeded in what I wanted to achieve
But I have to tell myself, this is not the end at all
I got to know of the problem because of this bold move
And if I actually dare to do so, what's stopping me from moving on?
Nothing in this world comes easy - Nothing, ever
But that gives no reason for me to stay put

I just gotta keep moving
And believe that one day
Things will work out

I just need the time - that's all

I'm not sure if this is an act of determination, or simply just desperation
But either way, it's simply because of one reason
Because of you
Posted on 4:09 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Quotes


Some quotes that represent myself currently
Just let me be who I am for now

"How do you look at the girl you love and tell yourself its time to walk away?"

"Yeah, I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon  
but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now" 

"I saw your name today...its crazy how just seeing your name can make my day...
and break it all at the same time" 

"Once you have feelings for someone, it will always be there. 
You may not like them anymore, but you still care." 

"At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life" 

Expected the outcome, expected it to happen
Just never thought it'll be this painful


Still, I wouldn't give up; you are worth the pain
Posted on 8:45 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Taking a leap of faith

I know this may not be the best of time to do something like this

I also know, that this is the time everyone should be focused on studies as exam's coming up

Most importantly, I understand the pressure everyone faces at this moment of time



Then again, I really think I shouldn't delay any more

I may be selfish, trying to pass the pressure away from me for my sake

But I've been keeping it deep within me for almost 3 months


If you have watched it, I believe you would understand what I said

For those who don't know what it is, this post is again not for you.



Honestly, I do not know what will happen as an aftermath for I've decided to do.

I'm a very analytical person; I look into the worst scenario before doing anything

Because of that, a lot of things that I wanted to do

I pull out, I'm just afraid of the outcome




Why did I suddenly decide to make this bold decision?



The answer is rather simple




The risk, is worth for me to take

Because if there's just a small chance for us to move on

I'll take it




But if things are not meant to be

Or things just simply couldn't move on

Perhaps it serves as a wake up call for me

To stop dreaming

To stop lying to myself 

But to continue moving on 

To live in reality




But at the end of the day

I'm grateful

I'm happy

I'm glad


Because you existed in my life

It definitely made my life better and happy

I'll treasure the memories


Don't be afraid

I'm still the same me

But I want to know what it is from your side

Whatever it is from you

I want to know



A quotation that came right on the spot where I needed it today
Got this from Facebook

"I can accept failure but I can't accept myself for not trying at all."
"我可以接受失败,但绝对不能接受未曾奋斗过的自己"

-Signing off-

Posted on 1:10 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

It's not like that

It's not that I do not want to work

But it's just that

I simply can't work at this situation
Posted on 10:11 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Must not be selfish

As I looked back into my past, there's one thing prominent about myself


I'm a selfish dude

Everything I do, I do it for myself

In as much as I claim that I'm doing something for someone else

At the end of the day, the one who benefits is also myself

Sometimes I wonder, what would make me stop being like this?
To be able to give without expecting anything in return
To be able to provide without anyone providing in return
To be able to love without being loved in return
To be able to forgive without being forgiven

To be honest, I do not know how

Nor do I know whether such thing exist in life or not


In my past, things became bad because I love to give pressure to others

Releasing all the pressure from myself, I simply pass it on for others to hold it

From myself being the one who makes decision, I pass the baton for others to decide

Now, I think I shouldn't do that anymore

If there's anyone who is supposed to hold onto it


It'll be me


Not You


I will hold on to it for now.

Although I do not know what would be the answer at the end of the day

I just do not wish to pressure anyone


Everything that I do now, I'm doing it for you
I just hope that, I'm not lying to myself 

-Signing off-
Posted on 3:48 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Something I do not want to lose

Today is another day spent rather unproductively.

Other than 2 chapters of the so many chapters in my exam next week being read

I think I did nothing at all. Literally nothing >_<


I've been thinking a lot and thinking really a lot

There are a lot of things that I want to do

But after consideration

I chose not to, or simply do not have the courage to do so




Because honestly

I do not want to bear the risk 

I can't imagine what will happen, when things turned out negatively


I may be a coward, but it's simply because there are things to dear to me that I do not want to lose

-Signing off-
Posted on 11:12 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

In front of you...

In front of you...

My tongue seems to tie itself to the point it can't say anything



In front of you... 

My brain doesn't function well anymore as I can think of nothing



In front of you...

My known strength hides itself and do not come out anymore



In front of you...

Everything that I had planned, just never work as expected



In front of you... 

I become weak, quiet and shy


I hate myself when I'm in front of you

But I hate myself more when you are not around

Because when that happens,

I hate myself, simply because I couldn't be myself in front of you.




I wished I can be myself in front of you
Posted on 12:32 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I can only blame myself



After all that had happened. What are the causes of it? I am someone who believes that every single effect and happenings are caused by someone; someone known as the self. Myself. So simply saying. It all comes back into me. Every time when problem occurs, I try not to find anything to take as an excuse or to blame someone/something else. Because I know, whatever that happen, is an effect of how I carry out my life, and how I do a particular job. Why did things happen not according to what I want? There's nothing else to blame, only myself. 

At times, I really want to say.
"It is not I that don't want to work things out, but the others do not want to do anything about it"
"I did what I can, just that things didn't work out the way I want it to be"
"It's not my fault, sometimes things aren't just in my control"

Then again at the end of the day. I can only look at things back from my side
"Why didn't I work harder?"
"Why am I such a coward when it comes to dealing with this issue?"
"Is that all that you can give? If yes, then there's no point continuing already"

If I want to make things happen, I need to take actions to make it happen. Not blaming the environment or other factors that causes its failure. I really want to do something, but to be honest, I do not know what can I do at this situation anymore. Anyone that can enlighten me? I would be grateful to that

-Signing off-

Posted on 1:42 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Performance @ Starcruise Libra

I write this post out of pure randomness because I'm waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately, I believe that it won't happen. Hahaha. Anyhow, this was the recording of my performance duet with Jing Cong during UTAR Stardream Ball Night. Have to admit, a lot of mistake, but at the same time, impressed with the tone of my flute. So nice and mellow; partly because I'm using a YFL-411 instead of my piece of nickel-silver plated YFL-221.


Just gonna be a short post. Gonna go off for dinner already.

Enjoy ^_^

-Signing off-
Posted on 6:37 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I've learnt

In life, we learn a lot of things in many many places.
School, society and work are few of them

Its been just 3 days ever since my trip with the cruise and apparently, I haven't learn that time is of essence, simply because I'm still wasting all the time I have doing nothing all the way. I don't really understand why am I blogging again these days but I figure that it's a good way to actually express myself. I couldn't express myself well through words and face to face, but apparently I do it better in writing.

For those still interested to attend, it's still on for the whole week


By this time, I'm already officially out of the committee/organizers' group in Profound, my very own faculty's event. It is well, disappointing. Never the ending that I want it to be, but just can't help it anymore. I was supposed to be back to Kampar on Tuesday to help out in duty but apparently I just fall sick (Perhaps due to the fatigue for one whole week practising and rehearsing). In as much as I try to endure through, I still think it's a bit too much. Thus when my dept. head gave me 2 choice, to continue or to leave. I chose to leave.

The me long long time ago? I don't think I'll ever do that because getting stripped of a post like this makes me look dumb. Or simply because of ego, I won't let this happen. Looking at another perspective, maybe because I consider it a responsibility, I believe that I shouldn't run away just like that and continue fighting.


There's a lot of "Maybe"


But to me, it's simply because of one reason


I think I need some rest


And I can never satisfy everyone



With so many work and due dates waiting ahead, not to mention my FYP and also Final Exam coming up next. I just can't take in anymore. I need a little break. And that's what I got today. Did nothing, achieved nothing. Just plain relaxation and sleeping (I'm a lazy crap).

In addition to that, I have also some things that I need to do. Unfortunately, I really don't know how am I going to do that. I am someone who look at the end before even doing something. I rationalize things well and make sure that it is do-able before doing something. But now, I don't even know what would happen if I do anything. I'm still thinking, I'm still considering. I just hope I don't make the wrong choice. For those who understand what am I saying. Well that just means that you understand me well, if not. Nevermind, it's not meant for you to understand this.




-Signing off-
Posted on 9:13 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

After a storm, the rainbow comes


I was a busy man. This 5 words really reflects back to my life for the past 4-5 weeks. I was really busy with so much stuffs that I can't really cope with it. Thus my past blog post. Nevertheless, I think at the end of the day, the things I learnt, the satisfaction and the friends I gained makes it worth it. So what did I do?

Counseling & Wellness Campaign 2012

If there's anything that brings an impact the most to my life. I would say that this would be the one. From being someone so passive in my University life (Doing nothing for the past 3 years in UTAR), I became active. Most importantly, from being someone who actually decided put down my interest in music, to eventually take it back up, joined a wind orchestra, and gonna go overseas for a performance. Honestly, this one the biggest turnover point in my University life. All because of this. I have got to know a lot of new friends, met a lot of great people with great personalities and capabilities. Really made my life more colourful, Thank you!

Prison Break Prom Night 2012

This was also something BIG that I had this semester. Originally someone who knows nuts about video editing, I became the main editor for this event's video. Honestly, this was also the platform where I found my interest in videos (Although I did it numerous times in Band - And made a lot of juniors/friend cried) Also, it is through this event that I officially made my "Debut" in performing. Really have to thank Lerroy for giving me this opportunity. Although I wasn't officially a committee (or even an event) helper. I stayed throughout the whole event, right till the end. Perhaps because the people here made me feel at home. Love being there. Enjoyed it, still enjoying it. Thanks everyone!

Advertising Dept. Art Exhibition 2012 - Profound

This, perhaps was the greatest regret for this semester. I practically did nothing throughout the whole event due to overloading task from assignments and also my duties in Prison Break Prom. Nevertheless, they did it without me. I was lucky (or thick skinned) for still being able to take some photos with them which I'm obviously not even entitled to have it. Oh well, the exhibition is still on for the next few days. Just hope I am able to at least contribute a little before it ends. I learnt a lot through this, to NOT take too much responsibility when you lack the capability to do something. When you want to have everything, you'll end up having nothing. I believe my Dept. Head would be cursing me by now for disappearing for almost a week out of the 2 week exhibition, not turning up during preparations. But all I can say is, I'm sorry. I really do not want to do so, but I really do not have the time

STARDREAM 2012

This was supposed to be my "debut" before the last minute Prison Break Prom performance came in. If you do not know what is it, it's supposed to be a Ball night; ON A CRUISE. How great is that? Most importantly, I'm performing there. It makes it go even better! Having so much work on hand, I think this trip came at the right time, the right time for me to actually take a break off everything single thing and actually to cool of my mind. Although it is a little stressful performing here, I think we did quite a good job =D Thanks to those who played with me namely Edison, Shermaine, Jing Cong and Lerroy. Without you people, God knows what am I gonna perform. And yeah, Mira too when you sang My Heart Will Go On. I kinda screwed some of my parts, but I think people wouldn't realise that much since the spotlight is on you ^_^

Chamber Music Performers

Performing: Not sure what song though

This trip was a mix of feeling. I felt happy, at the same time a little sad of the things happening inside too. I couldn't and wouldn't write much about it because it's a little too "public" here. But still, it is all these things that makes me a better person, someone who cherishes time, and obviously, that is what life is made out. There may be some sad moments in life, but take that off and you'll be left with only good and sweet memories; and I'm contented with what I have (though it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied) I'll write less here and let the pictures do the talking =D.

Arrival of Performers: Felt like a boss having the whole ship for us

Pretty and Handsome Flutist =D

Taken on the 2nd day: Pose saja

After being so formal on the 1st night, 2nd day casual

Alright, time for bed.
Had been having trouble sleeping due to sickness.
But I think I have to go now.

-Signing off-
Posted on 3:02 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »
If you know me long enough, I'm not a person who can say things very well, nor can I keep things within myself for a very long time. And honestly, I'm really getting tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of putting up a tough stand in front of everyone when I know that I'm really suffering like hell inside.

For the past 3 weeks, I haven't actually had an actual meal, never had an actual rest and never had an actual life. I wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to work things out though things really seemed impossible. But then I realised, I can't. I took in so many different kinds of projects and extra work to do in UTAR this semester simply because I know, there won't be any more chance for me to do such thing anymore. I know I have to force myself back to Ipoh every Sunday for band too, I know I have numerous events and activities to organize, I know I have performance to manage and I know I have school work/assignment to be done as well.

I have always believed in time management. When time is managed well enough, no matter how busy a person is, things can be handled well enough. But things that happened for the past few days really shot me off the cliff. I sleep a total of 3-4 hours a day, and start working the moment I wake up. I take only 1 meal a day; breads and biscuits. It doesn't matter for me, because I know at the end of the day I'll feel satisfied for the outcome of the things I have done, and I trusted the people around me, people like you: to understand the situation I am in.

Unfortunately, this isn't the case. When you went out for a walk with me yesterday, all I wanted was a little bit of your time. I just want to release the pent up feelings deep inside me. I was really very sad last night, that is why I looked for you. Simply because I felt that I can trust you most compared to every other people around me at the moment. There is so much things to say, yet so little time and I ended up finding myself listening to you talk instead, because I don't have any courage to say anything. You told me on a few things that happened in the past before I went back home. I dashed straight up right away, without ever looking back.

You thought I was mad - I wasn't.
I was very disappointed, my heart was literally crushed.
A never-ending bleed is what I felt.

You know what makes me feel the worst? The fact that I know that it is the fact that I've neglected a lot of things. The fact that I've failed to live up to that expectation. The fact that I can't manage this issue, and not it had affected everyone around me.

I joined and helped Prison Break to edit video because I was recommended by Yap Han. I agreed to that and got close with Allen. I understood what he wanted and I saw the amount of effort he put into his work. I didn't want to make things hard for him so I couldn't leave the picture. I've thought of leaving the group all together, numerous time. But can I? When I am the only one in the whole team who knows how to do it and is having the raw file? I need to be there all the time because of last minute changes - Rendering a single video takes up to 1 hour minimum. Can I leave the area and go to the Library and help out if that's the case?

Back to profound. I was supposed to be OFF this project ever since I left the Publicity department. But why did I came back? I never actually tell the real reason why I came back (and why am I so thick skinned to come back after saying that I'm leaving)

I really hope tat this event will be an everlasting one for av dept.
At least something I could recall before I left here
I might be leaving end of this yr or early next yr.
Just something personal, I was suppose to step down fr my post as hod end of last yr.
But, eventually I think that I shudnt be so selfish.
I shud consider u r as a big family to be take care of, rather than me alone running away.

This was the exact quote and exact words that made me joined back the exhibition. Despite knowing how limited I can do, I decided to do so. Perhaps this is where the mistake lies on. In trying to please others, I destroyed myself. I don't even know where am I now in this exhibition, nor do I know my role anymore.

When a group of people were there taking photos and celebrating, where should I stand, when I know that I did not give in any effort in organizing it? What is the main reason of me disappearing for the past 5 days of the exhibition when I can apparently "make time" for me to be in CWC's exhibition for 5 long days without fail? Honestly, I'm embarrassed of myself. I don't even know how to look at other people in my group. Because I did nothing, and I deserve nothing. I am not even fit to wear that T-Shirt of Profound. But can I quit now? Isn't it a stupid decision if I do so? Or should I go and tell them that I don't deserve anything at the end of the day and decline of any reward/celebration? When people are taking group photographs, should I even be there? Or should I hide in somewhere else where I am not seen, so that I won't go into it?

Assignments is another part of it. I know. I did not do much at all this semester. I'm just too busy. But I'm really trying my best to get work done as fast as I can. I thought you people would understand that you people have weekends. I do not have any. My saturdays and sundays are spent on work, church and band. When everyone have weekends to rush their assignments, I only have the midnight to do my work, and lecture classes are the only time where I can actually rest and sleep. I know and I understand that assignments are important, and I'm willing to forgo my 'academic' classes to do it, although I know it'll bring a lot of deep shit to me in my exams. I understand how important are coursework marks to you people and how perfect you people want it to be.

But I'm seriously tired. I can't sit down in a meeting for 2 hours without deciding everything. Just now, I was rushing to get home, and thus I try to get things settled fast, and I realised how much hatred I produce. That is also a reason why I do not want to get into the meeting and make decisions anymore. I'd rather be a passerby and agree to whatever you people say, rather than disappearing and suddenly appearing, giving all sorts of trash comments and leave. I do not like that.

I'm very frustrated. I can't find anyone that understands me anymore. Everytime I say something, before I even complete my sentence, it's already being rebutted. I really don't need comments, because I know what kind of ignorant, last minute piece of trash I am. I know and I understand that, it's been a really bad semester from me. I did nothing, and I do not expect anything either.

What I really want is, I really hope you people can understand me.
I really hope you can look at things from my shoes.

I woke up today, and Yennie sent me a message asking if I can duty this Saturday.
And I have to say no again because I'm in Penang.

She then ask if I can duty on Monday, again I say no because I have an interview and practice at night.


I really want to do something for Profound. But can I at this situation do anything?
I apologized, that's all I can say. But she replied me with this:-

"Sorry doesn't make sense.. screw out some time for the exhibition is what you should do at the moment."

What can I say?

I am at the wrong part. That's the fact. But can I even do anything to fix that? I can't!

I REALLY CANT.

I WANT TO,

BUT I CANT!

I'm going crazy. I'm really going crazy.

And what I can do is continue moving on.
But after knowing the facts I hear yesterday.

I seriously don't know what can I do anymore.

Sorry, my friends.
I really don't know what I can do anymore
I've said this many times.

I'm really tired.

I'm really really tired.

Posted on 3:32 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »