How heavy is it?

Things had been pretty pressurizing and burdening these days. High expectations, tight deadlines and extremely packed schedule of work is one of the main factors. Honestly, it's just getting tougher as the deadlines are fast approaching now. At times, the option of giving up and just getting over it would actually appear in me. However, deep down inside me I know that it isn't a way and it will not ever be a way to get things done.

Knowing that giving up isn't the way, at a point of trying so hard to pursue my goal, I'll start to wonder why am I even working so hard if there's so many easy way out? Well, perhaps it's because of who I am, someone who wants the best. This eventually gave me so much pressure and burden in everything I do because in whatever I do, I want to be better than others, be the best. Be the number 1 in everything. It was only until few months ago that I realized that it was plain mistake doing so. It happened when I felt so hopeless when I can't produce something I visualized in my mind, I can't bring out what I felt would be good and circumstances just don't allow me to do so.

It was very tiring being like that. In front of friends, family and the public, I have the need to be strong and act as if nothing is happening but deep inside me, everything was crumbling like how the "Angry Bird" crashes into those wooden blocks. Only then I realized something very important in life. Something that I should have got to know long ago so that I may actually prevent so much sorrow and pain from happening.

In everything I do, I should have just been myself. Doing the best I could is the only thing that is important. How would the outcome be, it's an extra. Competition should be with one's self and not other people and sometimes, learn to let go.

I remembered Mun Ming, my band instructor told me something very meaningful and true.

"Hold an exercise book for 1 minute, you won't feel anything at all as it is very light."
"Hold the same exercise book for 1 hour, you'll be feeling tired and feel like giving up"
"Continue holding it for 1 day, you'll be so tired that you would eventually fall"

My point is, when something is being held so tightly for such a long period of time, it actually kills a person slowly. Why not try to let go for a bit? Maybe after a good rest, things would work out better? One principles which had always followed me in my life when I'm having any trouble is 3 simple words. STOP, LOOK and GO. When you're just too tired, stop whatever you're doing. Have a rest, start looking for other ways or other approach, then go. It's just like how a traffic light functions, and it save lives from accidents. Perhaps it's a better way for you and for me.

Just some thoughts from within me.
I don't even know why am I writing this anyway
Posted on 10:01 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Tiring days ahead

It's now Week 9 of my trimester guess what? It's once again the peak period for everyone in my course and I must say, it's really tough. So many other friends of mine who are taking other different subjects from any range of science to business to IT, everything will end by next week as a lot of the submission deadlines are on this week and next week together with their presentations. Mine? I believe mine is just the start of everything, although it started on week 1 itself. Everything seems neverending; which eventually made my 9 weeks here in Kampar so fast. Everything seemed to be moving at the speed of light and knowing myself, I can't live in it cause I don't rush things even if I have to - that's why I'm here blogging

Hopefully this doesn't happen after this Trimester :)

I'm not sure if this is a good thing for me or a bad thing. But up till now, I believe it's still a good thing. Almost every single coursemate of mine are already considered 'half-dead' especially my group of friends around. Everyone looks so dead that after one day of class, you can see the "I am dead" sign on the face, yet they need to pursue it even if they are tired. I on the other hand, slept at 9.30pm last night (I'm a lazy bum) But coming to realize that when a person is tired, it's impossible to get a job well done, even if it's done, the results won't be there.

Thus, I stand by my point to take things one at a step. Rest when it's really needed and push when my body can take it. If my body can't take it, at least have a short 1 hour or 2 hour rest in between. Perhaps that's what I can share, and what I hope would help. I remembered while I was talking to my lecturer 1 week back, she told me one thing when I told her that there's a lot of assignments up ahead and there's just so much pressure coming in. She told me this:-

"Forget about those assignments for the weekend. Go out and enjoy and play; do anything stupid and crazy which you can think of. Then come back on Monday and start working again. You'll feel less pressured when you do so"

I guess that helped me a lot. I made the decision to go back on that Sunday, although the 2 days became 1 day. Things are still smooth sailing now, and I'm clear of unwanted thoughts together with a good physical state of health. Things are right in front waiting for me right now. Well, I'm waiting for them too. Bring it on.

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

To my friends, my coursemates who are now struggling. I just hope that I can do something to help, but this is something only you can help yourselves. The road is tough in front. Well, theorically it's never easy :) Hang on there, things will only get better!

Anyone who wants to sleep with me like this?? I'm a good hugger! =)
Posted on 7:24 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Disaster in Japan

As you people would've known, the earthquake cum tsunami disaster is something almost everyone know now unless you don't even bother to get yourselves updated with the issues around you. I've just gone through some of the pictures and video recordings of this disaster and sometimes it just pains me to see life going away just like that. It's like "now you see it, now you don't" Everything seems to disappear in just a split of a second and there's no second chance for anyone to correct it anymore.
The loss of loved ones, the loss of belongings and friends are what pains everyone even if they are not the victim. But honestly, what pains me the most is knowing that a lot of them whose life is lost, where would there end up?

As a Christian myself, I believe in the second life; the spiritual life. It is appointed for every man to die once, and somehow, death is something inevitable, but what about after that? Is the end there right after death? If it isn't, what it is after death? There are simply so many philosophies and theories that is made to cater to this question, that no one knows the exact truth of it anymore; which leads the what I'm about to tell you people below.

If you really want to know what the truth is, I believe this would be of your interest. The Church I'm currently attending would be organizing a gospel meeting and the topics would be about "The Truth" Questions in your mind such as WHY? HOW? and WHAT is the truth is all about would be discussed and I'm sure it'll benefit you

Certainly, I do not doubt your beliefs and what you value most, but I'd urge all of you to come join me in this occasion. Everything is FREE, but what we need is just a little bit of your time. Trust me, as a Christian myself, as a friend, and as someone who cares for your soul, this is the least of what you can do for yourselves, find out about it and act on it. Details of this gospel meeting is as below. I've tried my best to hand in the invites to you, do yourselves a favour and attend; it'll definitely be worth your time

Do yourselves a favour, spend this few hours with us
Posted on 4:34 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

TOP student? My ass

"Top student". I officially hate this word. I seriously hate this darned word. I am pissed with everything that is happening already. I'm having my exam tomorrow and I'm right here, sitting down doing nuts because of some stupid problem which have been haunting me for the past 1 year. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate every single thing in this darned world. I hate the damn label "Top student" given to me for no freaking reason. I don't ask for it, I don't want it. I'm not born here to score exam. Everything is through effort and not because I'm borned with it. So stop calling me stupid labels for no reason at all.

There are so many people better than me in this world. Why don't you people call them? In my course alone, I'm not number 1. So don't call me the top, cause I ain't that special compared to you people. You people have problems, I have mine too. I've got mine for the past 1 year and nothing's getting better. If I'm this "TOP student" I would've been solving it and living happily. But I didn't, so STOP calling me that. I HATE it.

TOP student don't have problems? TOP students can't get low marks even if they don't study? TOP student is God? Go and dream, it's no fun being at the top. Because it's due to this stupid word, that made me lose things I treasure most. I hate it, but what can I do? Can I solve it because I'm the so-called "TOP"?

YES. I'm Naive. So be it
YES. I'm in a rage now. So don't talk to me
Posted on 1:57 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I'd wish I have amnesia

Sometimes I'd wish that I have the capability to forget things just as how I wish to do so. When I hate something, I can simply forget it with a simple snap of my fingers. There's just too much things that I want to ignore and forget about it, but I'm not able to do so. People say that I'm very absent minded; I forget things too easily and I don't remember things when it matters most. YES, I'm absent minded, but I have good memory and observation skill. When i see something, i see things as a whole and I remember that for a long period of time, it may reach up to 1 to 2 years and I can still remember the exact event that happened.

My point is, how can I reverse this? Honestly, there are just too many unwanted things in my life that I want to forget it from this instant, but can I do so? I just can't do so because I'm not a person to forget things so easily. When I dislike a particular person, it can last for a year or two, and when I love a particular person, it'll last for a very long period of time.

If bad things and bad experience that I've faced in my form 5 life in band is still clearly in my mind, and I've yet to have forgiven anyone in that case, how can I forget how much I love you and hate you at the same time? I just hope I have amnesia at this moment of time. I can forget everything and life live anew everyday

That being said, I wouldn't want that to happen
Cus it'll affect the people around me with my own issues
I hate to affect people around me with my issues
Posted on 8:23 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I'm not a happy kid

In case you don't know, I'm a very emotional person. Someone who is very relationship based and not goal based. In any choices is needed to be made between relationship and job, relationship; be it family, friends or couple will be chosen most of the time. This is not because I'm weak, that I dont have a good EQ, or emotional intellingence. But it's just me. Honestly, if you ask me what I want in the future. Earning tons of money compared to having a happy family, being a dictator that suceeds compared to being simple and have friends around you. I'd choose the choices which are more relationship based. I believe that a good relationship is the basis of a happy life.

Thus, in everything I do. I try to be simple and not dictative. Most of the time, final decisions would NEVER be made by me. I try to be diplomatic and I try to satisfy everyone's needs and wants to the point where sometimes, I don't even know who am I anymore. Everything was alright, because I believe that it is what I want to be remembered for in the future. All I hope to get back in return, is just gratitude; for someone to show love to me, or at least not to break the inner part of me into pieces. I've never asked you to be reconciled with me, I just hpoe that I can stay nearby when I'm feeling sad and down. All I want is a little care from you, what I get is you thinking that I have other motives in doing so.

YES, I do hope that our relationship can be saved and continued, or to start from a new beginning. Knowing that the possibility is just too small, I just hope that I can be nearby you when I'm sad, cus it really helped. I just want to be nearby. I just want to be in your presence.

Why can't I have this small request from you?
I'm crushed, I'm really crushed; The pain is excruciating.
You once told me how pain it was to get hurt by the one u loved most
You don't have to tell me how is it anymore
I'm facing it right now.

It's been 11 months. People move on in less than 3 months
Mine has been 11, nothing has changed my love to you
But you treat it like it is my mistake all along
The mistake of loving you so much

Posted on 3:27 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Who I am

A very simple question, sometimes I just doubt whether a person actually know who he or she is as a matter of fact. We've been living in a world where almost all the time, a person is actually acting on who he or she wants to portray himself or herself to the world. Even if a person is very sad, acting cheerful is the only thing they can do so that people wouldn't feel awkward when they are around him. But honestly, how long can this acting go on?

Everything has its limit and capability. Sometimes no matter how strong a person is, there is always a limit to how much a person can endure. Everything may seem normal to a person when he's able to contain whats inside but when the "Jar-within-that-person" is filled, it's either that the jar would get overflowed or it'll break at an extreme extent. Somehow, when a person is able to hang onto this situation for a longer period of time, he or she is considered a "strong" person; in which his or her EQ is so good that any emotions and troubles wouldn't affect the person.

When they are being called a "hero" in today's term, sometimes I wonder, why do we have to act so much every day and night? If lying is a sin to God, isn't acting somehow related to lying as well? Why can't everyone just be truthful towards everything they see and do? Everything seemed to need a filter before it goes out from the heart; which actually leads me to stop blogging for this brief period of time; I don't see a reason to express in my blog anymore because I simply can't express anything at all.

To be honest, I'm tired. Why should I act as if I'm so happy around everyone, when deep inside me, cries of blood comes from my heart. The pain is so pain that I don't know how long can I endure it anymore. Can't I just leave everything behind? Leave the past and move on to the future? I really want it to be like that, but sometimes the past just can't be left "just like that" for no apparent reason.

I want to be myself, but can I?
Everything I do, is just behind a mask

I'm tired of it, seriously
Posted on 9:01 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Do or do not?

After being absent for such long period of time, I'm having this feeling of re-blogging again. I'm not sure how long am I going to be able to be consistent but I guess it's a good thing; at least I wont have to stare into space when I have nothing to do anymore. Lets just see how long I can last.
Posted on 6:29 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »