A focus; A goal.

Time flies. It's been approximately 6 months since I left Ipoh to 'explore' the world, working in The Star out here in Petaling Jaya. A lot of things had happened thus far and it just simply shows how small a person can be - which I am as compared to the many awesome people and things around me. 

That being said, it is always good to be able to sit down silently at home, doing entirely nothing and ponder upon life - which is exactly what I've been doing these days. Hectic hours in the office, as well as the days spent trying to get into the competitive scene again made me felt so tired these days. Am glad that things happened, but I'm also glad that it's over!

I've been thinking a lot these days. About life, about the future - basically everything under the sun for me at the moment. This leads me to a point where I actually question myself:-

What do I actually want in life? 

As young and energetic, adventurous and excitement-seeking, I want to venture into the E-Sports scene - which is why I established Rift Report, started KTHXBAI and eventually form another team here in PJ to stay in the scene.

However, being brought back to reality - I need to build up my career as well. This eventually made me ponder upon what I am doing now, and looking into the future, I really do not know what I want to do. To work, work-while-pursuing my masters, pursue my masters is just a needle in a sack of hay.  

Personal life? I am being an anti-social freak these days - or maybe I'm just an introvert. Going back home immediately after work, hiding at home playing video games, watching LCS or sleeping is basically my daily schedule. No new bonds were form, with exception to my colleagues "because I meet them everyday"

A part of me wants to get back into KLPAC Symphonic Band. Another part wants to be in the E-Sports scene. Without even realising, I also want to go travelling. Then again, sometimes I'm just too tired and would prefer to sit at home, doing absolutely nothing. However, sometimes I felt a pinch of loneliness deep within myself.

That being said, I have to dedicate a portion of my time back to the church too - which I am guilty in neglecting it these days (I know). There's so many things that I want to do/experience but sometimes I just find that I am doing/experiencing nothing.

I consider myself a jack of all trades (master of none). I spread myself too thin, and at the end of the day I accomplish nothing - and I really need to focus on what I actually want to do in life. Maybe I am a little too greedy, maybe I just couldn't handle everything I want - yet I am too greedy that I want to hold everything for myself. 

I need a focus, I need a goal. Until then, I will be like what people call 'lalang'. While a lot of things happened in the past 6 months of year 2014. I can say with regrets that, I accomplished nothing - at least for now, at least in my opinion.

Perhaps, the 1 year time limit I gave to myself to actually make the decision of my life was the 'ticket' that allowed me to be in such position - doing absolutely nothing. Then again, I'm already halfway there, it's already halfway through the 7th month *WHAT AM I ACTUALLY DOING NOW*?

Sigh. Can someone please guide this poor soul to a direction he can head on to?

Posted on 2:17 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 2 Comments »