A focus; A goal.

Time flies. It's been approximately 6 months since I left Ipoh to 'explore' the world, working in The Star out here in Petaling Jaya. A lot of things had happened thus far and it just simply shows how small a person can be - which I am as compared to the many awesome people and things around me. 

That being said, it is always good to be able to sit down silently at home, doing entirely nothing and ponder upon life - which is exactly what I've been doing these days. Hectic hours in the office, as well as the days spent trying to get into the competitive scene again made me felt so tired these days. Am glad that things happened, but I'm also glad that it's over!

I've been thinking a lot these days. About life, about the future - basically everything under the sun for me at the moment. This leads me to a point where I actually question myself:-

What do I actually want in life? 

As young and energetic, adventurous and excitement-seeking, I want to venture into the E-Sports scene - which is why I established Rift Report, started KTHXBAI and eventually form another team here in PJ to stay in the scene.

However, being brought back to reality - I need to build up my career as well. This eventually made me ponder upon what I am doing now, and looking into the future, I really do not know what I want to do. To work, work-while-pursuing my masters, pursue my masters is just a needle in a sack of hay.  

Personal life? I am being an anti-social freak these days - or maybe I'm just an introvert. Going back home immediately after work, hiding at home playing video games, watching LCS or sleeping is basically my daily schedule. No new bonds were form, with exception to my colleagues "because I meet them everyday"

A part of me wants to get back into KLPAC Symphonic Band. Another part wants to be in the E-Sports scene. Without even realising, I also want to go travelling. Then again, sometimes I'm just too tired and would prefer to sit at home, doing absolutely nothing. However, sometimes I felt a pinch of loneliness deep within myself.

That being said, I have to dedicate a portion of my time back to the church too - which I am guilty in neglecting it these days (I know). There's so many things that I want to do/experience but sometimes I just find that I am doing/experiencing nothing.

I consider myself a jack of all trades (master of none). I spread myself too thin, and at the end of the day I accomplish nothing - and I really need to focus on what I actually want to do in life. Maybe I am a little too greedy, maybe I just couldn't handle everything I want - yet I am too greedy that I want to hold everything for myself. 

I need a focus, I need a goal. Until then, I will be like what people call 'lalang'. While a lot of things happened in the past 6 months of year 2014. I can say with regrets that, I accomplished nothing - at least for now, at least in my opinion.

Perhaps, the 1 year time limit I gave to myself to actually make the decision of my life was the 'ticket' that allowed me to be in such position - doing absolutely nothing. Then again, I'm already halfway there, it's already halfway through the 7th month *WHAT AM I ACTUALLY DOING NOW*?

Sigh. Can someone please guide this poor soul to a direction he can head on to?

Posted on 2:17 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 2 Comments »

A night of reflections

It is always good to sometimes sit back and start pondering on life, especially after days of never-ending tasks and work. In fact, some may wonder why am I even able to sit right in front of the computer at this time to ponder upon life.

The truth is, I do not have such time. I am here because I had to wait for my clothes to get washed else I'll be wearing my pyjamas to work for the rest of the week!

Now, counting the days since I have moved from Ipoh to Petaling Jaya, it is already approximately 3 months (90 days perhaps?) and I really have to say that, I learnt too much and these 3 months have really been an eye opener to me.

Since it is a three months thing, I guess I will be writing 3 of the most prominent thoughts I have in my mind.

Grades are nothing...

I have been telling everyone I know on this topic ever since I left high school because I am a firm believer than the things we learnt in our education from school are nothing. In as much as teachers and lecturers stressed on the importance to get at least a 3.0 CGPA in order to secure a good job, I beg to differ. Why? Well, it someone who graduated with a 2.0 CGPA earns more than me, doing the same job - what can the CGPA even mean? 

Of course, I am not telling anyone to forget about studying and head straight on to the working industry. Education is still important in life because although grades are nothing, what you gain from trying to obtain such grades is what's worth in the end. It is always the interpersonal skills, communication, integrity and the 'never-give-up' attitude in your studies are the ones that matter in the end. 

Education may be worthless, the CGPA you gain might not bring too much of an impact as soon as you land your job, but what you learnt in trying to achieve it means much more.

Be firm on your principles...

I am never known as someone who can make firm decisions. In fact, I am usually someone who prefers to go with the flow and follow the lead of another person. Perhaps one of the only thing that I can always be firm of, is on Christianity and my principalities. The point that I want to share is that, no matter how strong you thought you are, it will come a time where your principalities are challenged and questioned. You may sway and sometimes question yourself on the truth in you always put your belief in. You might even wonder whether or not you should try things out to just experience it 

Then again, remember who you are and be yourself. I never believe in the philosophy of 'right' and 'wrong' in humanity. Being in the majority does not mean that you are right and being in the minority side does not mean that you are wrong. Being different is the same as being unique. Being normal is also the same as being mainstream and dull. What's important is for you to find yourself, and be yourself.

How could you do so? Be firm in your principles and live the way you deem comfortable. For myself? I choose to follow the principles of the Bible.

Give as much as you could, but...

I have seen a lot of my friends who are awesome people. They believe in everyone's role to play in making this world a better place. They are people who would not say "NO" when they are being asked for help. They are also the ones who would always put in the most effort in helping, and ensuring that the others would be well off in their life - work & education alike. However, the one thing that they forgot to help is always the ones closer, themselves and the people they love.

Despite the will and sincerity to constantly give without hoping to receive, it is of the utmost importance to also think about yourself. The phrase 'love yourself before loving others' is something worth pondering. Sometimes, I find myself giving so much to the point where I get fatigue. Things got worse after that and everything would eventually fall apart. That's where I finally understood that despite how much you want to give, sometimes you just have to keep things for yourself. Pamper yourself first before seeking to give

You can give as much as you could, but always remember that at the end of the day, you HAVE to take care of yourself before even THINKING about giving.

Long post, but I guess that helps in expressing my thoughts. Everything was written spontaneously, without editing. So please forgive me of my bad grammar. I love writing without any editing & checking as it helps me to be pure, as everything written do not have to go through any form of 'filtering'

- Signing off
Posted on 1:50 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I'm tired

I will probably regret this when I wake up the next morning. Probably, because it is usually late at night where I start to think a lot and somehow lose the sense of control I have always tried to put hold onto myself. 

My life is a constant struggle. Or perhaps, life is always a struggle to live in for everyone - not only to myself. However, I really do not understand why are things always going against what I want and also what I actually enjoy and love?

In my life, I have always tried to focus on just 'be happy'. With that aim, I do not aim or wish for a wealthy life, nor would I want to put my aims too high above my capabilities - Simply because the fact that having an unattainable dreams would just somehow make me feel worse than I can ever feel.

My life, is also in some sort of ways being bonded by a lot of elements. Elements that people always tell me that is for the betterment. Elements that helps me to be a better person. An element known as 'Godliness'

I was born in a Christian family, raised and taught since I was a kid on the do & don't of a Christian - How we should act, behave and become in the future. My parents did a great job in my upbringing, instilling values that people deem worthy and valuable in life.

I am proud with myself and how I see things in life. Somehow, I felt that I am different because while everyone gets depressed with the constant rush in life to look for material success in life to be happy, I always tell myself that I am already happy

Yet, it is times like this where everything just falls apart

I was being taught that trials and temptations always come into our life as Christians. That as Christians, we are often being challenged and persecuted for what we trust and believe in. That being said, no matter how bad it is, I have to continue to believe and hold on to the principles that are being taught ever since I am born.

However, I guess I am really very tired of enduring everything already. I am tired of holding on to my beliefs, thoughts and principles that I once held in my life; because of all these principles - I have to forgo so many things which are dear to me.

And it's really painful when I look back into my life. 

Dreams, relationships, and experiences are the least that I could figure out; and definitely - there are more.

While everyone around me are free to try things out and experience everything under the sun, here am I stuck under something called 'Principalities' and 'Rules'

Worse of all, I am constantly having the thought that I am always being governed by people they call 'gatekeepers' that would always be on the lookout for whatever I do and whatever I say.

When people get to say whatever they want and do whatever they want to do, I find myself constantly being watched and observed - and if it is put into extreme, I can even call that as being controlled

Simple things such as a social media posting of words like "damn" and "shit" can actually get me into trouble because of simple comments like "I am not supposed to use words like this" 

What makes it worse is that if those are in songs that I enjoy, I am also in a way not 'encouraged' to listen to such music - Which I honestly find, stupid. Then again, fine because if it is supposed to be that way - I will not challenge it too!

There are definitely more to be said, but having so much people reading & commenting on my life, I really do not know how am I supposed to be honest with myself. I have been lying to myself so many times to stop myself from thinking 'sideways' but I guess I am really tired of it now.

It is times like this, that I really want to just decide to be the opposite of the current me. To do all the things no one would've imagined that I would do. To be someone no one ever thought that I could be.

However, how could I do so? When I am responsible to so many other people whom in their own way shaped me to be who I am today?

My parents, the church, my friends and my loved ones - I will only end up disappointing each and every one of them if I were to decide that it is time for me to be someone that they wouldn't recognize anymore!

What I know as of now is, I am not happy with my life. 

I am not happy with the things that constantly bind me and held onto me. Despite me knowing that it is for the good of myself, I just do not feel good being who I am now.

I have given up so many things, friends, and loved ones because of that - and it's starting to take its toll onto me.

I'm so tired of constantly trying to comfort myself that "everything is going to be okay" the next day

And seriously, I do not want to lose myself

- Jefferychan (12/3/2014)

Posted on 3:15 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Thoughts on Mirrors spoofing


Many had understood and known what happened with the issue of Mirrors spoofing a player during TLC League Series game against Nothing to Lose (Game 2) and iSg.KTHXBAI (Game 1 and 2)

Tentatively, the decision made by Garena Malaysia to resolve the issue is as the following:-

1. Mirrors to forfeit the 3 games that they spoofed
2. iSg.MY and NtL to fight it out on another date for 4th and 5th placing

Many may argue that it is fair, since Mirrors only spoofed in 3 games, and thus all 3 games considered as loss is a fair play by Garena. Which I beg to differ.

The fact is, when a player spoofs in a competitive game it is WRONG. Nothing and no explanation is needed trying to justify that it is RIGHT to do so

Lets look at some of the facts that happened in the League Scene in other continents and countries:-

Counter Logic Gaming: when dexter had visa problems as was unable to play, CLG had to recall HotshotGG/Chauster/Link switching from mid to jungle to have a 5 man team
Gambit Gaming: When Alex Ich, Darien and Diamond's VISA expired and couldn't attend match day, they subbed in NiP's players to play
Team SoloMid: Bjergsen couldn't play for week 7 of LCS, thus Reginald came out of retirement to play

All matches played are official "subs" approved by Riot and OGN. Players know what happened and know how to adapt to it. Mirrors could've done so. In fact, they HAVE 100percentme and Chrome Dokuro registered as substitute. Why bring someone not registered into the game but use a player who is NOT supposed to play?

When it comes to competitive gaming, there is a need for the organizers to be strict in their decisions because what competitive players do, will eventually be reflected on Solo Queue, vice versa.

Lets have a look at what other regions do when they have such problems:-

Korean Champions: Team Dark got DQ-ed for the whole season/split bcos of trolling in game
European LCS: Ninja in Pyjamas got DQ-ed because they could not field a team on time. Also, Lemondog lost their place in the LCS because they could not field an OFFICIAL and valid team
North America LCS: Absolute legends got DQ-ed and banned because of 'ghosting' and cheating in their game

As it is already obvious that Mirrors are at the wrong, the decision of just disqualifying the three games of Mirrors, without any ban of the team or any players intrigues me.

After everything that Mirrors had committed, they retained being in the winner's bracket without any further penalties and is cleared from every single trouble.

As opposed to every other team that got affected, Nothing to Lose and iSg.MY Evo having to play an extra game on the weekend for no reason, and the initial swapping of games - forcing 6th and 7th placed Fluffy Gaming and Team Passby to play a week earlier (which is changed in the end)

The question I would like to pose is: Which side is losing more?

Because from my point of view, every single team in Malaysia (except KLH and KTB) had to go for an extra trouble because of ONE team - Mirrors

What did Mirrors had to face after causing so much havoc? Nothing but 3 losses, which would still guarantee them 3rd place and being at the winner's bracket.

Personally, I felt that it is very unfair for all the other teams. While it is not their fault things are in such a problematic situation, they are the ones that are facing all the trouble.

Garena have a big decision to make, and I really hope that they could make the right decision from here on.

If spoofing a player into competitive gaming will result in losses for the game/match without anything else, I guess I am willing to take the risk in the future

Afterall, if I get caught, I would just have to forfeit a game that I would've otherwise lost.

Everyone else will bear the consequences of my action, I feel great!

The Riot's Manisfesto tells us that it is the "Players Experience First" being their first priority. However, it is sad to say that at this moment:

Nothing is being reflected in the Malaysian scene





Posted on 10:16 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Yes, I'm from a 'Kampung'

Today was one of the days which I really hate to be in, but also a day in which I will remember for a lifetime. Why? Because it is today that I finally see reality. The ugly truth that I what I've always believed in, is really near non-existence.

I come from a small town of Ipoh, where people do not always compete to the death just in order to stay at the top; for money, pride & whatever that comes into place. I am always a firm believer that in life, the most important thing is to be happy, spread goodwill and give as we are able to.

However, sometimes reality just have to give me a big slap on my face for no apparent reason, to make my stance shaken.Then again, although my stance had never been shaken off, sometimes I really do feel sad when things like this happen to people around me.

I really missed the time where people are so simple minded, rather than how people around me are; competitive, cunning and complicated. Every single one will just simply try their best to do the things they are supposed to, not trying to take each other out so that they are at the top!

Problems that can be solved in a matter of SECONDS, gets questioned and delayed to the point of hours, days and even months for no apparent reason. Seriously? If time is such a valuable thing in life, why bother wasting it?

Everyone have their own point of view in life, and how they define life as it is. Rather than choosing a way where cunningness, competitiveness and trying so hard JUST TO WIN A RAT RACE; where there's no end - I choose to stay happy, give willingly and be simple.

When everyone is trying to make a fuss of their life and trying to earn big bucks, I am here doing my own job and continue to learn through life because honestly, I don't see the reason of trying so hard to win, if there are more important things in life for me to do.

I am disappointed, and honestly sad, but who am I to talk so much, when I am simply a nobody in the eyes of the majority. In fact, sometimes I wonder, will I end up being like the majority in the future?

It's not wrong being successful, high up the corporate level and earning big bucks. But when it kills value such as kindness, respect and goodness - a person just isn't human any more.

Yes, I'm from a small town.
I am naive and have no ambitions in life.
I may regret this in the future, not having stability & a wealthy life in the future
Posted on 8:30 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Can I?

It's been quite some time since I've ever been so pissed with life. I've always been telling myself that in life, there's two perspectives in looking at things; where in ever bad side, a good side exist. Well, there's always an opposite of something in life isn't it. However, I guess I'm just a little too tired to be patient any longer. Sometimes I'd just want to call it quit and just do not care any more; which I can definitely do because if one day I decide not to care at all, I will not care at all; no matter what.

The thing is, sometimes when I felt as if I'm trying so hard to help someone, nothing is actually coming back from it. When I give advices and thoughts, everything seems so childish and non-existence because what I always feel is just too childish for them. Sometimes, things just became so tough that I had to use all the strength I have to control myself so that I just wouldn't start destroying everything around me.

You know what? At this point of time, I really do not know why am I still trying so hard to help; spending so much time trying to put you into my shoes, because I just found out that whatever I'm trying to tell you is just something that passes by your ears, never kept, never cherished. If things are just like that, why do I even bother trying to do something at all?

I could've used all the time spent doing these meaningless stuffs to work on my news portal project, work and so many other stuffs. Heck, I could even use it to just rest up and sleep so that I can have enough energy the next day. I broke my sleeping habit for no reason, spend so much time out when I could've just rested at home. There's so many things that I can do other than what I am doing now.

Honestly? I do not even know why am I trying to do anything any longer. Everything seems so useless. Perhaps I'm really born at the wrong place, placed at the wrong side of the world. Maybe I just shouldn't care because everything that seemed to be bad to me, is good to you.

I just do not want to care any more. But the question comes back to me.

Can I? Do I want to? Should I? What will happen if I choose to ignore?
This sucks.
Posted on 10:41 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I wished I could've did more

I used to be a terribly pessimistic and emotional person. As I read back old post from my blog, I tend remember how I felt in the past when things were going sideways instead of straight. I'd believe that at those point of my life, things were seriously so bad to the point where I actually felt life was meaningless. I still remember the days where I slept almost 20 hours a day, because I simply do not want to wake up to face 'life' or the simple 'reality'. Perhaps to the point where sometimes I just felt like giving up everything; my studies, friends and everything (except life, of course. I'm too kiasi to commit suicide). I've recovered from that about 2 years ago, but the memories just wouldn't go away.

Which is why, at this point of time when I see people who are facing the same trouble as I've faced, I tend to be able to feel what they're feeling. The feeling of wanting to do something, yet understanding that nothing could be done. Knowing that I need to pull myself together, yet day after day the body just gets heavier. Wanting to just quit, but the heart keeps telling me that there's hope.

However, sometimes it's just impossible to lend a helping hand because what I can end up doing is just that much. It kinda saddens me to be in this situation, because knowing how bad the situation is, I really hoped that I could do a little bit more.

Urgh, I guess it's time to sleep. Had a crazy day.
Posted on 1:23 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »