If you know me long enough, I'm not a person who can say things very well, nor can I keep things within myself for a very long time. And honestly, I'm really getting tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of putting up a tough stand in front of everyone when I know that I'm really suffering like hell inside.
For the past 3 weeks, I haven't actually had an actual meal, never had an actual rest and never had an actual life. I wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to work things out though things really seemed impossible. But then I realised, I can't. I took in so many different kinds of projects and extra work to do in UTAR this semester simply because I know, there won't be any more chance for me to do such thing anymore. I know I have to force myself back to Ipoh every Sunday for band too, I know I have numerous events and activities to organize, I know I have performance to manage and I know I have school work/assignment to be done as well.
I have always believed in time management. When time is managed well enough, no matter how busy a person is, things can be handled well enough. But things that happened for the past few days really shot me off the cliff. I sleep a total of 3-4 hours a day, and start working the moment I wake up. I take only 1 meal a day; breads and biscuits. It doesn't matter for me, because I know at the end of the day I'll feel satisfied for the outcome of the things I have done, and I trusted the people around me, people like you: to understand the situation I am in.
I have always believed in time management. When time is managed well enough, no matter how busy a person is, things can be handled well enough. But things that happened for the past few days really shot me off the cliff. I sleep a total of 3-4 hours a day, and start working the moment I wake up. I take only 1 meal a day; breads and biscuits. It doesn't matter for me, because I know at the end of the day I'll feel satisfied for the outcome of the things I have done, and I trusted the people around me, people like you: to understand the situation I am in.
Unfortunately, this isn't the case. When you went out for a walk with me yesterday, all I wanted was a little bit of your time. I just want to release the pent up feelings deep inside me. I was really very sad last night, that is why I looked for you. Simply because I felt that I can trust you most compared to every other people around me at the moment. There is so much things to say, yet so little time and I ended up finding myself listening to you talk instead, because I don't have any courage to say anything. You told me on a few things that happened in the past before I went back home. I dashed straight up right away, without ever looking back.
I'm really really tired.
You thought I was mad - I wasn't.
I was very disappointed, my heart was literally crushed.
A never-ending bleed is what I felt.
You know what makes me feel the worst? The fact that I know that it is the fact that I've neglected a lot of things. The fact that I've failed to live up to that expectation. The fact that I can't manage this issue, and not it had affected everyone around me.
I joined and helped Prison Break to edit video because I was recommended by Yap Han. I agreed to that and got close with Allen. I understood what he wanted and I saw the amount of effort he put into his work. I didn't want to make things hard for him so I couldn't leave the picture. I've thought of leaving the group all together, numerous time. But can I? When I am the only one in the whole team who knows how to do it and is having the raw file? I need to be there all the time because of last minute changes - Rendering a single video takes up to 1 hour minimum. Can I leave the area and go to the Library and help out if that's the case?
Back to profound. I was supposed to be OFF this project ever since I left the Publicity department. But why did I came back? I never actually tell the real reason why I came back (and why am I so thick skinned to come back after saying that I'm leaving)
Back to profound. I was supposed to be OFF this project ever since I left the Publicity department. But why did I came back? I never actually tell the real reason why I came back (and why am I so thick skinned to come back after saying that I'm leaving)
I really hope tat this event will be an everlasting one for av dept.At least something I could recall before I left hereI might be leaving end of this yr or early next yr.Just something personal, I was suppose to step down fr my post as hod end of last yr.But, eventually I think that I shudnt be so selfish.I shud consider u r as a big family to be take care of, rather than me alone running away.
This was the exact quote and exact words that made me joined back the exhibition. Despite knowing how limited I can do, I decided to do so. Perhaps this is where the mistake lies on. In trying to please others, I destroyed myself. I don't even know where am I now in this exhibition, nor do I know my role anymore.
When a group of people were there taking photos and celebrating, where should I stand, when I know that I did not give in any effort in organizing it? What is the main reason of me disappearing for the past 5 days of the exhibition when I can apparently "make time" for me to be in CWC's exhibition for 5 long days without fail? Honestly, I'm embarrassed of myself. I don't even know how to look at other people in my group. Because I did nothing, and I deserve nothing. I am not even fit to wear that T-Shirt of Profound. But can I quit now? Isn't it a stupid decision if I do so? Or should I go and tell them that I don't deserve anything at the end of the day and decline of any reward/celebration? When people are taking group photographs, should I even be there? Or should I hide in somewhere else where I am not seen, so that I won't go into it?
Assignments is another part of it. I know. I did not do much at all this semester. I'm just too busy. But I'm really trying my best to get work done as fast as I can. I thought you people would understand that you people have weekends. I do not have any. My saturdays and sundays are spent on work, church and band. When everyone have weekends to rush their assignments, I only have the midnight to do my work, and lecture classes are the only time where I can actually rest and sleep. I know and I understand that assignments are important, and I'm willing to forgo my 'academic' classes to do it, although I know it'll bring a lot of deep shit to me in my exams. I understand how important are coursework marks to you people and how perfect you people want it to be.
Assignments is another part of it. I know. I did not do much at all this semester. I'm just too busy. But I'm really trying my best to get work done as fast as I can. I thought you people would understand that you people have weekends. I do not have any. My saturdays and sundays are spent on work, church and band. When everyone have weekends to rush their assignments, I only have the midnight to do my work, and lecture classes are the only time where I can actually rest and sleep. I know and I understand that assignments are important, and I'm willing to forgo my 'academic' classes to do it, although I know it'll bring a lot of deep shit to me in my exams. I understand how important are coursework marks to you people and how perfect you people want it to be.
But I'm seriously tired. I can't sit down in a meeting for 2 hours without deciding everything. Just now, I was rushing to get home, and thus I try to get things settled fast, and I realised how much hatred I produce. That is also a reason why I do not want to get into the meeting and make decisions anymore. I'd rather be a passerby and agree to whatever you people say, rather than disappearing and suddenly appearing, giving all sorts of trash comments and leave. I do not like that.
I'm very frustrated. I can't find anyone that understands me anymore. Everytime I say something, before I even complete my sentence, it's already being rebutted. I really don't need comments, because I know what kind of ignorant, last minute piece of trash I am. I know and I understand that, it's been a really bad semester from me. I did nothing, and I do not expect anything either.
What I really want is, I really hope you people can understand me.
I really hope you can look at things from my shoes.
I'm very frustrated. I can't find anyone that understands me anymore. Everytime I say something, before I even complete my sentence, it's already being rebutted. I really don't need comments, because I know what kind of ignorant, last minute piece of trash I am. I know and I understand that, it's been a really bad semester from me. I did nothing, and I do not expect anything either.
What I really want is, I really hope you people can understand me.
I really hope you can look at things from my shoes.
I woke up today, and Yennie sent me a message asking if I can duty this Saturday.
And I have to say no again because I'm in Penang.
She then ask if I can duty on Monday, again I say no because I have an interview and practice at night.
I really want to do something for Profound. But can I at this situation do anything?
I apologized, that's all I can say. But she replied me with this:-
"Sorry doesn't make sense.. screw out some time for the exhibition is what you should do at the moment."
What can I say?
I am at the wrong part. That's the fact. But can I even do anything to fix that? I can't!
I REALLY CANT.
I WANT TO,
BUT I CANT!
I'm going crazy. I'm really going crazy.
And what I can do is continue moving on.
But after knowing the facts I hear yesterday.
I seriously don't know what can I do anymore.
Sorry, my friends.
I really don't know what I can do anymore
I've said this many times.
I'm really tired.
I've said this many times.
I'm really tired.
I'm really really tired.
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