I will probably regret this when I wake up the next morning. Probably, because it is usually late at night where I start to think a lot and somehow lose the sense of control I have always tried to put hold onto myself. 

My life is a constant struggle. Or perhaps, life is always a struggle to live in for everyone - not only to myself. However, I really do not understand why are things always going against what I want and also what I actually enjoy and love?

In my life, I have always tried to focus on just 'be happy'. With that aim, I do not aim or wish for a wealthy life, nor would I want to put my aims too high above my capabilities - Simply because the fact that having an unattainable dreams would just somehow make me feel worse than I can ever feel.

My life, is also in some sort of ways being bonded by a lot of elements. Elements that people always tell me that is for the betterment. Elements that helps me to be a better person. An element known as 'Godliness'

I was born in a Christian family, raised and taught since I was a kid on the do & don't of a Christian - How we should act, behave and become in the future. My parents did a great job in my upbringing, instilling values that people deem worthy and valuable in life.

I am proud with myself and how I see things in life. Somehow, I felt that I am different because while everyone gets depressed with the constant rush in life to look for material success in life to be happy, I always tell myself that I am already happy

Yet, it is times like this where everything just falls apart

I was being taught that trials and temptations always come into our life as Christians. That as Christians, we are often being challenged and persecuted for what we trust and believe in. That being said, no matter how bad it is, I have to continue to believe and hold on to the principles that are being taught ever since I am born.

However, I guess I am really very tired of enduring everything already. I am tired of holding on to my beliefs, thoughts and principles that I once held in my life; because of all these principles - I have to forgo so many things which are dear to me.

And it's really painful when I look back into my life. 

Dreams, relationships, and experiences are the least that I could figure out; and definitely - there are more.

While everyone around me are free to try things out and experience everything under the sun, here am I stuck under something called 'Principalities' and 'Rules'

Worse of all, I am constantly having the thought that I am always being governed by people they call 'gatekeepers' that would always be on the lookout for whatever I do and whatever I say.

When people get to say whatever they want and do whatever they want to do, I find myself constantly being watched and observed - and if it is put into extreme, I can even call that as being controlled

Simple things such as a social media posting of words like "damn" and "shit" can actually get me into trouble because of simple comments like "I am not supposed to use words like this" 

What makes it worse is that if those are in songs that I enjoy, I am also in a way not 'encouraged' to listen to such music - Which I honestly find, stupid. Then again, fine because if it is supposed to be that way - I will not challenge it too!

There are definitely more to be said, but having so much people reading & commenting on my life, I really do not know how am I supposed to be honest with myself. I have been lying to myself so many times to stop myself from thinking 'sideways' but I guess I am really tired of it now.

It is times like this, that I really want to just decide to be the opposite of the current me. To do all the things no one would've imagined that I would do. To be someone no one ever thought that I could be.

However, how could I do so? When I am responsible to so many other people whom in their own way shaped me to be who I am today?

My parents, the church, my friends and my loved ones - I will only end up disappointing each and every one of them if I were to decide that it is time for me to be someone that they wouldn't recognize anymore!

What I know as of now is, I am not happy with my life. 

I am not happy with the things that constantly bind me and held onto me. Despite me knowing that it is for the good of myself, I just do not feel good being who I am now.

I have given up so many things, friends, and loved ones because of that - and it's starting to take its toll onto me.

I'm so tired of constantly trying to comfort myself that "everything is going to be okay" the next day

And seriously, I do not want to lose myself

- Jefferychan (12/3/2014)