All my life I've been taught to give willingly, give cheerfully. In fact, every single week during the prayer for my church contribution; prayer were made so that everyone would be able to give cheerfully, for God loves a cheerful giver. Perhaps because of this, I've learnt to give a lot of things in my life; and I'm not saying that it's bad. It's a good thing being able to give, because it simply shows how gifted a person is for having the ability to even give something to the needy. That was how I thought and how it was all along.

In fact, every single time I give and sacrifice; rest assured that no one would ever know about that. Reason being is not because I wanted to hide it from others, but perhaps because I'm just too dumb to even have the guts to let people know. That's how bad I am in expressing myself, to the point where even when I try to gain recognition from people, I end up being the "invisible" person at the scene. Or maybe sometimes when I give, people thought I'm taking in a way (That's how I killed my first relationship didn't I?)

Now, God promised us that when we give, we will receive. Ten folds? Hundred folds? But being a person I am, I just couldn't bear receiving so much when I know that I did not give enough. All my life I've been giving and giving; I'm used to that and I'm happy doing so. But when the tides just somehow turn and now I'm the one receiving everything without giving, I have no idea how to react to it anymore. I shall not elaborate on it because of my personal reasons, but these days, I felt as if I am receiving way too much than what I've given.

I wish to give more too, but to be honest I do not know how anymore; because I am not able to do anything at this point of time. This makes me feel frustrated and perhaps because of that, I am lost entirely at this point of time, not know what to do. It is not that I do not want to do anything, but I simply do not know what am I supposed to do. Some people say, just move on and do anything, as long as it keeps me moving - but I know that if I were to do that, I'll just fail badly again because I can never do something if my heart is not in it.

In as much as I feel like letting go everything and start anew, I know I can't because the moment I do so, I'm asking and will end up receiving again. Perhaps what I need is time, but having no idea how much time I can actually have, brings me back to square one again.