Everyone have their own dreams; their vision and also what they want to do most in life
Most definitely, as a human being: I have mine too
Most unfortunate for everyone, dreams are somehow just too hard to achieve.
I believe that most readers of my blog who knows me personally would know how far my passion for music is. How much I can actually commit for music. I started learning music since I was 4 or 5 years old? Got myself enrolled in Yamaha's Music Course thanks to my parents. It was them who ignited this interest of mine; and this is what made the me today. I was trained in many many different aspects, piano playing, music theory, improvisation, listening, pitching, and even singing. It was perhaps because of this that my interest of music grew so much that I decided to join my school band when I was in Form 1.
I joined the school band in my secondary school: Form 1 to be exact. Picked up the flute as my instrument and with blessings from God and also my parents, I own a Yamaha YFL-221. It was then I realised how interesting it was for so many different instruments ranging from the Piccolo to a Tuba playing together that forms the music everyone hears today. Perhaps, it was here where my interest was actually fired up, and it soon became my passion. This however, took too much of my time too. When I was in the Mid-June period where so much time was put into Band, and I simply do not have time to practise my Piano for my Exams in the Yamaha course, I was somehow just left behind in every single aspect of it.
It was discouraging, it was somehow just sad that I find myself being far behind everyone in the same class. I soon begin to lose my interest and at the end of the day, just quitting everything that I had done for the past 9-10 years. Indirectly, it was the band that caused me not continuing what I've been learning for such a long period of time. Waste of time and money? Perhaps so. But the main reason why I stopped and lose interest is actually because I don't find it interesting playing solo pieces on the piano any longer: because playing in an orchestra, give more colours to the music created.
My eyes and ears were opened wide
It showed my how much music can do to an individual: specifically myself
And it actually led me to actually find out what my dreams are.
What my dreams are? I'll further explain in a bit
For that 'interest' of mine. I was very enthusiastic towards band practises every Saturday. While all my friends spend their weekends sleeping at home, gaming in Cyber Cafe's or hanging out with friends in shopping malls. I spend the whole morning and afternoon, sometimes even evening and nights in school for band practises. I was perhaps talented, capable or maybe just lucky because I ended up as Band Leader in my Form 5 years (2008). I was the student conductor for SMI's band. Under my Band Instructor, Mun Ming, I've learnt several things in regards to conducting and I was also given chances to actually conduct in various events; wedding ceremonies. That was until I left school after my Form 5.
I wanted to pursue music in my Degree
Simply because I know it is my Passion, my Interest.
But somehow, things isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I looked up for information to pursue a Music Degree. Unfortunately, the obstacles to achieve it is just too much. Many many things such as financial constraints, family and also on qualifications was an issue to me. Pursuing a music course just takes too much money. My parents do not encourage me moving to KL to further my study, and I just do not have the required qualifications to get into such college as it requires ABRSM Grade 5 for practical and theory, which I do not have to start applying. Most importantly, the music industry in Malaysia is simply too weak and it's like almost impossible to get a job unless you are of top notch. It was then I believed I should face reality. I gave up, got myself admitted to UTAR and major in Advertising instead.
I gave up my Flute, I gave up Conducting as I do not learn from my band instructor any more. I was even approached and was given chance to do music arranging. Even though it was a norm for alumni of the band to visit and encourage the juniors once in a while during practise, I did not do so. I still remembered in the farewell dinner organized by my juniors, I did not give any speech or said anything to the current batch of juniors. I still remember Louis Chong telling me how surprised he was for me not to address anything for the juniors. Know what, I simply do not want to do that, because I do not want to get attached to such activities anymore. I wanted it to be the end of it the story, I do not want to waste my time pursuing something that would not happen. Even when I was studying in UTAR, never had I ever take out my Flute. It was like that for almost 3-4 long years.
And guess what?
That was the biggest regret of my life.
I regret for not giving a try in the things that I want to do and just leaving it at that, only to realise how stupid was I back then. It was only during a campaign talk show that I organized, that actually made me realise this fact. It was Chui Ling, the speaker for the 1st night that made me realised, that dreams are meant to be pursued, and if it's not pursued. Regrets will simply just follow. Also, it was a story of someone that actually made me feel how pathetic I am, giving up something because of small matters when he, himself faced so much just to achieve his dreams. Interested to know who? Read the article below
It was because of these reasons, I actually started to look up on ways to re-ignite this passion of mine. This is where I found KVWO, the Kinta Valley Wind Orchestra, and the conductor itself is no other than Eugene Pook himself. You know what, perhaps it was just a twist of fate, but only then I realised that I was actually under him for one rehearsal in the year 2004 when I was in ISB. It was a sleepless night and I was just looking and I found information about this community band. Eventually, I made a bold move to join. I am a person who hesitates a lot, and to be honest, even I am surprised of myself making such move to join in. I went for their first practise even though my instrument wasn't with me. I just sat there, and listened.
It's been three months since then, and I am about to go to Taiwan to perform with this group of people. To be honest, I'm very excited and I'm definitely looking forward to it. But if you ask me if I have achieved what I wanted, unfortunately, no. Many people thought that what I wanted was to excel in my flute, or perhaps to perform and to make music.
It is unfortunately, not what I want to achieve.
What I want is not to be part of the group that produces the music. But what I want, is to be the one who design, create and enhance the music. Yes. I aspire to be the conductor itself. The music director. The mastermind behind the music. I want to perform, not as a flautist, but to be the person who leads the group in creating music.
That's what I want to be.
Which leads me to a great dilemma at this time
Because I simply do not know how am I supposed to do it.
I'm mid-way through my degree in Advertising, and I definitely don't plan to defer from it (My parents will kill me if I do that) but at the same time, I don't think I'll ever let go of this dream of mine. Perhaps taking another degree may work out, but the fees would definitely burden my parents once again. Most importantly, I do not have the qualifications for that too. So how am I supposed to carve my way through? People will say, let things happen. Then take the opportunity given and make do with what I can.
Know what? I don't believe in chances
If I want things to happen, I need to make things happen
But honestly, I do not know what I can do now. As of now, I guess the only thing I can do now is to stay in touch with music. Performing in events organized in UTAR, play in KVWO, and perhaps try to get the required certifications from ABRSM for my flute and also theory. I'm also trying to be tutored in conducting by my current conductor.
Honestly, to juggle between this and my studies had been a very tiring job. Travelling through and fro from Kampar to Ipoh every Sunday is tiring. I even find myself coming back for rehearsals on Sunday, going back on the same day so that I can sit for an exam on Monday, only to go back to Ipoh for sectional rehearsal right after my exam, and finally going back to Kampar on the same day. I am not sure how this seems to you, but it seems crazy enough for me. There are some of my friends who asks me, why am I acting in such manner? It's only ONE practice session
My answer is simple:
It's my passion.
I have wasted over 4 years running around it. I really do not want to waste any more time.
Which is why I promised myself from the beginning
I will do something for this.
I don't know how
But I just want to try
At least even if I had failed
I know that I've tried
-Signing off-
