Chains Of Memories

The already-broken New Year Resolutions

To ensure that my blog have at least 1 post per year, I've decided to keep a note of my resolutions for 2015 here. It's not done on the 1st January 2015, but it'll do for now.

I'm dividing my New Year Resolutions into several sections I deem important in my life: Career, Spiritual, Health, Fun & Social

CAREER: I'm not really sure of what I would be doing in years to come I'm still pretty much lost at the moment. That being said, I want to start my Masters Degree this year. Everything is pretty much ambiguous at this stage, but I've actually promised myself to start my Master's Programme 1 year after working.

Target: Start a Master's Degree Programme

SPIRITUAL: In Year 2014, I've been a very bad Christian (like, really baaaaaad). This year shouldn't replicate what I've been doing last year. Will have to stop myself from sleeping through the entire Sunday morning, 'unintentionally' skipping worship services and avoiding possibilities of being given responsibilities.

Target: No skipping worship & place membership on a local church

HEALTH: My health had been terrible ever since I left the band, where I was 'forced' to exercise nearly everyday. As I am inevitably getting older, my health needs to be taken care of. Although I actually 'exercised' by walking to my car to get to work every morning, I will have to do a little bit of running this year, as well as to ensure that my sleeping schedule is actually according to the Malaysian timing.

Target: Go for runs at least 3 times in a week; Get to bed by 2330 & be awake by 0730

RECREATION: This part had been overstretched last year with my involvement with eSports-related events & activities. This year, I'll be cutting it down but supplementing it with some music-related stuffs. Mom would be proud since I'm reducing gaming and actually using my time with 'relevant' stuffs like music.. yeah right

Target: Join at least 1 music related group & keyboard skills are performance capable

SOCIAL: Get a girl friend maybe? Nahhh... I'm just gonna stay in my room all day with myself. To be serious though, I hope I could be a little bit more sociable. I'm reaching the point I want to be, but not quite there yet!

Target: Just, don't stay at home all the time. Get real life friends!

I think I'm breaking all of it, today itself. That being said, that's what resolutions are made for isn't it? Well, perhaps I should put it as a quarter-year resolution rather than a year.

kthxbai

Posted on 10:52 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

A focus; A goal.

Time flies. It's been approximately 6 months since I left Ipoh to 'explore' the world, working in The Star out here in Petaling Jaya. A lot of things had happened thus far and it just simply shows how small a person can be - which I am as compared to the many awesome people and things around me.

That being said, it is always good to be able to sit down silently at home, doing entirely nothing and ponder upon life - which is exactly what I've been doing these days. Hectic hours in the office, as well as the days spent trying to get into the competitive scene again made me felt so tired these days. Am glad that things happened, but I'm also glad that it's over!

I've been thinking a lot these days. About life, about the future - basically everything under the sun for me at the moment. This leads me to a point where I actually question myself:-

What do I actually want in life?

As young and energetic, adventurous and excitement-seeking, I want to venture into the E-Sports scene - which is why I established Rift Report, started KTHXBAI and eventually form another team here in PJ to stay in the scene.

However, being brought back to reality - I need to build up my career as well. This eventually made me ponder upon what I am doing now, and looking into the future, I really do not know what I want to do. To work, work-while-pursuing my masters, pursue my masters is just a needle in a sack of hay.

Personal life? I am being an anti-social freak these days - or maybe I'm just an introvert. Going back home immediately after work, hiding at home playing video games, watching LCS or sleeping is basically my daily schedule. No new bonds were form, with exception to my colleagues "because I meet them everyday"

A part of me wants to get back into KLPAC Symphonic Band. Another part wants to be in the E-Sports scene. Without even realising, I also want to go travelling. Then again, sometimes I'm just too tired and would prefer to sit at home, doing absolutely nothing. However, sometimes I felt a pinch of loneliness deep within myself.

That being said, I have to dedicate a portion of my time back to the church too - which I am guilty in neglecting it these days (I know). There's so many things that I want to do/experience but sometimes I just find that I am doing/experiencing nothing.

I consider myself a jack of all trades (master of none). I spread myself too thin, and at the end of the day I accomplish nothing - and I really need to focus on what I actually want to do in life. Maybe I am a little too greedy, maybe I just couldn't handle everything I want - yet I am too greedy that I want to hold everything for myself.

I need a focus, I need a goal. Until then, I will be like what people call 'lalang'. While a lot of things happened in the past 6 months of year 2014. I can say with regrets that, I accomplished nothing - at least for now, at least in my opinion.

Perhaps, the 1 year time limit I gave to myself to actually make the decision of my life was the 'ticket' that allowed me to be in such position - doing absolutely nothing. Then again, I'm already halfway there, it's already halfway through the 7th month *WHAT AM I ACTUALLY DOING NOW*?

Sigh. Can someone please guide this poor soul to a direction he can head on to?

Kthxbai

Posted on 2:17 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 2 Comments »

A night of reflections

It is always good to sometimes sit back and start pondering on life, especially after days of never-ending tasks and work. In fact, some may wonder why am I even able to sit right in front of the computer at this time to ponder upon life.

The truth is, I do not have such time. I am here because I had to wait for my clothes to get washed else I'll be wearing my pyjamas to work for the rest of the week!

Now, counting the days since I have moved from Ipoh to Petaling Jaya, it is already approximately 3 months (90 days perhaps?) and I really have to say that, I learnt too much and these 3 months have really been an eye opener to me.

Since it is a three months thing, I guess I will be writing 3 of the most prominent thoughts I have in my mind.

Grades are nothing...

I have been telling everyone I know on this topic ever since I left high school because I am a firm believer than the things we learnt in our education from school are nothing. In as much as teachers and lecturers stressed on the importance to get at least a 3.0 CGPA in order to secure a good job, I beg to differ. Why? Well, it someone who graduated with a 2.0 CGPA earns more than me, doing the same job - what can the CGPA even mean?

Of course, I am not telling anyone to forget about studying and head straight on to the working industry. Education is still important in life because although grades are nothing, what you gain from trying to obtain such grades is what's worth in the end. It is always the interpersonal skills, communication, integrity and the 'never-give-up' attitude in your studies are the ones that matter in the end.

Education may be worthless, the CGPA you gain might not bring too much of an impact as soon as you land your job, but what you learnt in trying to achieve it means much more.

Be firm on your principles...

I am never known as someone who can make firm decisions. In fact, I am usually someone who prefers to go with the flow and follow the lead of another person. Perhaps one of the only thing that I can always be firm of, is on Christianity and my principalities. The point that I want to share is that, no matter how strong you thought you are, it will come a time where your principalities are challenged and questioned. You may sway and sometimes question yourself on the truth in you always put your belief in. You might even wonder whether or not you should try things out to just experience it

Then again, remember who you are and be yourself. I never believe in the philosophy of 'right' and 'wrong' in humanity. Being in the majority does not mean that you are right and being in the minority side does not mean that you are wrong. Being different is the same as being unique. Being normal is also the same as being mainstream and dull. What's important is for you to find yourself, and be yourself.

How could you do so? Be firm in your principles and live the way you deem comfortable. For myself? I choose to follow the principles of the Bible.

Give as much as you could, but...

I have seen a lot of my friends who are awesome people. They believe in everyone's role to play in making this world a better place. They are people who would not say "NO" when they are being asked for help. They are also the ones who would always put in the most effort in helping, and ensuring that the others would be well off in their life - work & education alike. However, the one thing that they forgot to help is always the ones closer, themselves and the people they love.

Despite the will and sincerity to constantly give without hoping to receive, it is of the utmost importance to also think about yourself. The phrase 'love yourself before loving others' is something worth pondering. Sometimes, I find myself giving so much to the point where I get fatigue. Things got worse after that and everything would eventually fall apart. That's where I finally understood that despite how much you want to give, sometimes you just have to keep things for yourself. Pamper yourself first before seeking to give

You can give as much as you could, but always remember that at the end of the day, you HAVE to take care of yourself before even THINKING about giving.

Long post, but I guess that helps in expressing my thoughts. Everything was written spontaneously, without editing. So please forgive me of my bad grammar. I love writing without any editing & checking as it helps me to be pure, as everything written do not have to go through any form of 'filtering'

- Signing off

Posted on 1:50 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I'm tired

I will probably regret this when I wake up the next morning. Probably, because it is usually late at night where I start to think a lot and somehow lose the sense of control I have always tried to put hold onto myself.

My life is a constant struggle. Or perhaps, life is always a struggle to live in for everyone - not only to myself. However, I really do not understand why are things always going against what I want and also what I actually enjoy and love?

In my life, I have always tried to focus on just 'be happy'. With that aim, I do not aim or wish for a wealthy life, nor would I want to put my aims too high above my capabilities - Simply because the fact that having an unattainable dreams would just somehow make me feel worse than I can ever feel.

My life, is also in some sort of ways being bonded by a lot of elements. Elements that people always tell me that is for the betterment. Elements that helps me to be a better person. An element known as 'Godliness'

I was born in a Christian family, raised and taught since I was a kid on the do & don't of a Christian - How we should act, behave and become in the future. My parents did a great job in my upbringing, instilling values that people deem worthy and valuable in life.

I am proud with myself and how I see things in life. Somehow, I felt that I am different because while everyone gets depressed with the constant rush in life to look for material success in life to be happy, I always tell myself that I am already happy

Yet, it is times like this where everything just falls apart

I was being taught that trials and temptations always come into our life as Christians. That as Christians, we are often being challenged and persecuted for what we trust and believe in. That being said, no matter how bad it is, I have to continue to believe and hold on to the principles that are being taught ever since I am born.

However, I guess I am really very tired of enduring everything already. I am tired of holding on to my beliefs, thoughts and principles that I once held in my life; because of all these principles - I have to forgo so many things which are dear to me.

And it's really painful when I look back into my life.

Dreams, relationships, and experiences are the least that I could figure out; and definitely - there are more.

While everyone around me are free to try things out and experience everything under the sun, here am I stuck under something called 'Principalities' and 'Rules'

Worse of all, I am constantly having the thought that I am always being governed by people they call 'gatekeepers' that would always be on the lookout for whatever I do and whatever I say.

When people get to say whatever they want and do whatever they want to do, I find myself constantly being watched and observed - and if it is put into extreme, I can even call that as being controlled

Simple things such as a social media posting of words like "damn" and "shit" can actually get me into trouble because of simple comments like "I am not supposed to use words like this"

What makes it worse is that if those are in songs that I enjoy, I am also in a way not 'encouraged' to listen to such music - Which I honestly find, stupid. Then again, fine because if it is supposed to be that way - I will not challenge it too!

There are definitely more to be said, but having so much people reading & commenting on my life, I really do not know how am I supposed to be honest with myself. I have been lying to myself so many times to stop myself from thinking 'sideways' but I guess I am really tired of it now.

It is times like this, that I really want to just decide to be the opposite of the current me. To do all the things no one would've imagined that I would do. To be someone no one ever thought that I could be.

However, how could I do so? When I am responsible to so many other people whom in their own way shaped me to be who I am today?

My parents, the church, my friends and my loved ones - I will only end up disappointing each and every one of them if I were to decide that it is time for me to be someone that they wouldn't recognize anymore!

What I know as of now is, I am not happy with my life.

I am not happy with the things that constantly bind me and held onto me. Despite me knowing that it is for the good of myself, I just do not feel good being who I am now.

I have given up so many things, friends, and loved ones because of that - and it's starting to take its toll onto me.

I'm so tired of constantly trying to comfort myself that "everything is going to be okay" the next day

And seriously, I do not want to lose myself

- Jefferychan (12/3/2014)

Posted on 3:15 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Thoughts on Mirrors spoofing

DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING I WRITE HERE REPRESENT MY OWN OPINION AND IS NOT RELATED TO ANY ORGANIZATIONS OR PARTIES

Many had understood and known what happened with the issue of Mirrors spoofing a player during TLC League Series game against Nothing to Lose (Game 2) and iSg.KTHXBAI (Game 1 and 2)

Tentatively, the decision made by Garena Malaysia to resolve the issue is as the following:-

1. Mirrors to forfeit the 3 games that they spoofed
2. iSg.MY and NtL to fight it out on another date for 4th and 5th placing

Many may argue that it is fair, since Mirrors only spoofed in 3 games, and thus all 3 games considered as loss is a fair play by Garena. Which I beg to differ.

The fact is, when a player spoofs in a competitive game it is WRONG. Nothing and no explanation is needed trying to justify that it is RIGHT to do so

Lets look at some of the facts that happened in the League Scene in other continents and countries:-

Counter Logic Gaming: when dexter had visa problems as was unable to play, CLG had to recall HotshotGG/Chauster/Link switching from mid to jungle to have a 5 man team
Gambit Gaming: When Alex Ich, Darien and Diamond's VISA expired and couldn't attend match day, they subbed in NiP's players to play
Team SoloMid: Bjergsen couldn't play for week 7 of LCS, thus Reginald came out of retirement to play

Verdict:
All matches played are official "subs" approved by Riot and OGN. Players know what happened and know how to adapt to it. Mirrors could've done so. In fact, they HAVE 100percentme and Chrome Dokuro registered as substitute. Why bring someone not registered into the game but use a player who is NOT supposed to play?

When it comes to competitive gaming, there is a need for the organizers to be strict in their decisions because what competitive players do, will eventually be reflected on Solo Queue, vice versa.

Lets have a look at what other regions do when they have such problems:-

Korean Champions: Team Dark got DQ-ed for the whole season/split bcos of trolling in game
European LCS: Ninja in Pyjamas got DQ-ed because they could not field a team on time. Also, Lemondog lost their place in the LCS because they could not field an OFFICIAL and valid team
North America LCS: Absolute legends got DQ-ed and banned because of 'ghosting' and cheating in their game

As it is already obvious that Mirrors are at the wrong, the decision of just disqualifying the three games of Mirrors, without any ban of the team or any players intrigues me.

After everything that Mirrors had committed, they retained being in the winner's bracket without any further penalties and is cleared from every single trouble.

As opposed to every other team that got affected, Nothing to Lose and iSg.MY Evo having to play an extra game on the weekend for no reason, and the initial swapping of games - forcing 6th and 7th placed Fluffy Gaming and Team Passby to play a week earlier (which is changed in the end)

The question I would like to pose is: Which side is losing more?

Because from my point of view, every single team in Malaysia (except KLH and KTB) had to go for an extra trouble because of ONE team - Mirrors

What did Mirrors had to face after causing so much havoc? Nothing but 3 losses, which would still guarantee them 3rd place and being at the winner's bracket.

Personally, I felt that it is very unfair for all the other teams. While it is not their fault things are in such a problematic situation, they are the ones that are facing all the trouble.

Garena have a big decision to make, and I really hope that they could make the right decision from here on.

If spoofing a player into competitive gaming will result in losses for the game/match without anything else, I guess I am willing to take the risk in the future

Afterall, if I get caught, I would just have to forfeit a game that I would've otherwise lost.

Everyone else will bear the consequences of my action, I feel great!

The Riot's Manisfesto tells us that it is the "Players Experience First" being their first priority. However, it is sad to say that at this moment:

Nothing is being reflected in the Malaysian scene

Source:
http://www.reddit.com/r/leagueoflegends/comments/1rhj7k
/team_dark_gets_dqed_from_ogn_champions_ro16/

http://www.ongamers.com/articles/ninjas-in-pyjamas-disqualified-from-lcs-tie-breaker/1100-615/

http://www.pcgamesn.com/leagueoflegends/league-legends-team-lemondogs-disqualified-lcs

http://www.surrenderat20.net/2013/01/this-week-in-esports-clgeu-rumours-al.html

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/7.386377-MLG-Disqualifies-Top-Two-League-of-Legends-Teams

Posted on 10:16 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Yes, I'm from a 'Kampung'

Today was one of the days which I really hate to be in, but also a day in which I will remember for a lifetime. Why? Because it is today that I finally see reality. The ugly truth that I what I've always believed in, is really near non-existence.

I come from a small town of Ipoh, where people do not always compete to the death just in order to stay at the top; for money, pride & whatever that comes into place. I am always a firm believer that in life, the most important thing is to be happy, spread goodwill and give as we are able to.

However, sometimes reality just have to give me a big slap on my face for no apparent reason, to make my stance shaken.Then again, although my stance had never been shaken off, sometimes I really do feel sad when things like this happen to people around me.

I really missed the time where people are so simple minded, rather than how people around me are; competitive, cunning and complicated. Every single one will just simply try their best to do the things they are supposed to, not trying to take each other out so that they are at the top!

Problems that can be solved in a matter of SECONDS, gets questioned and delayed to the point of hours, days and even months for no apparent reason. Seriously? If time is such a valuable thing in life, why bother wasting it?

Everyone have their own point of view in life, and how they define life as it is. Rather than choosing a way where cunningness, competitiveness and trying so hard JUST TO WIN A RAT RACE; where there's no end - I choose to stay happy, give willingly and be simple.

When everyone is trying to make a fuss of their life and trying to earn big bucks, I am here doing my own job and continue to learn through life because honestly, I don't see the reason of trying so hard to win, if there are more important things in life for me to do.

I am disappointed, and honestly sad, but who am I to talk so much, when I am simply a nobody in the eyes of the majority. In fact, sometimes I wonder, will I end up being like the majority in the future?

It's not wrong being successful, high up the corporate level and earning big bucks. But when it kills value such as kindness, respect and goodness - a person just isn't human any more.

Yes, I'm from a small town.
I am naive and have no ambitions in life.
I may regret this in the future, not having stability & a wealthy life in the future
SO WHAT? I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE

Posted on 8:30 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Can I?

It's been quite some time since I've ever been so pissed with life. I've always been telling myself that in life, there's two perspectives in looking at things; where in ever bad side, a good side exist. Well, there's always an opposite of something in life isn't it. However, I guess I'm just a little too tired to be patient any longer. Sometimes I'd just want to call it quit and just do not care any more; which I can definitely do because if one day I decide not to care at all, I will not care at all; no matter what.

The thing is, sometimes when I felt as if I'm trying so hard to help someone, nothing is actually coming back from it. When I give advices and thoughts, everything seems so childish and non-existence because what I always feel is just too childish for them. Sometimes, things just became so tough that I had to use all the strength I have to control myself so that I just wouldn't start destroying everything around me.

You know what? At this point of time, I really do not know why am I still trying so hard to help; spending so much time trying to put you into my shoes, because I just found out that whatever I'm trying to tell you is just something that passes by your ears, never kept, never cherished. If things are just like that, why do I even bother trying to do something at all?

I could've used all the time spent doing these meaningless stuffs to work on my news portal project, work and so many other stuffs. Heck, I could even use it to just rest up and sleep so that I can have enough energy the next day. I broke my sleeping habit for no reason, spend so much time out when I could've just rested at home. There's so many things that I can do other than what I am doing now.

Honestly? I do not even know why am I trying to do anything any longer. Everything seems so useless. Perhaps I'm really born at the wrong place, placed at the wrong side of the world. Maybe I just shouldn't care because everything that seemed to be bad to me, is good to you.

I just do not want to care any more. But the question comes back to me.

Can I? Do I want to? Should I? What will happen if I choose to ignore?

This sucks.

Posted on 10:41 PM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I wished I could've did more

I used to be a terribly pessimistic and emotional person. As I read back old post from my blog, I tend remember how I felt in the past when things were going sideways instead of straight. I'd believe that at those point of my life, things were seriously so bad to the point where I actually felt life was meaningless. I still remember the days where I slept almost 20 hours a day, because I simply do not want to wake up to face 'life' or the simple 'reality'. Perhaps to the point where sometimes I just felt like giving up everything; my studies, friends and everything (except life, of course. I'm too kiasi to commit suicide). I've recovered from that about 2 years ago, but the memories just wouldn't go away.

Which is why, at this point of time when I see people who are facing the same trouble as I've faced, I tend to be able to feel what they're feeling. The feeling of wanting to do something, yet understanding that nothing could be done. Knowing that I need to pull myself together, yet day after day the body just gets heavier. Wanting to just quit, but the heart keeps telling me that there's hope.

However, sometimes it's just impossible to lend a helping hand because what I can end up doing is just that much. It kinda saddens me to be in this situation, because knowing how bad the situation is, I really hoped that I could do a little bit more.

Urgh, I guess it's time to sleep. Had a crazy day.

Posted on 1:23 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Sigh

I don't usually come to my blog anymore. In fact, it's been months since I ever felt like typing what's inside me. Perhaps it's a form of 'protection' that I give to myself - so that I do not seem too fragile from the perspective of others. Anyhow, after this 'extended' period of time, I felt the need to release some steam before I go crazy yet again.

Yesterday was by far one of the terrible days that has happened after quite a long time. It's been a long time ever since I was being forced to swallow this bitter pill again; a pill called defeat. I remembered how stinging was it deep inside me last time when my marching band lost in the Perak State Marching Band Competition.

This time, it was a game. As childish at it seems, this defeat was a bitter pill to swallow to the extent that up until now, I still feel the sting right into my heart - affecting my mood and feelings throughout the day.

However, talking about the defeat makes no purpose. Simply saying, because it does not change the fact anymore. Thus the most important thing now is to continue going on, checking on the error and ensure that it doesn't happen again. I always believe that in these situation, the most important thing to do is to find solutions.

That being said, I guess up till this point - I still do not know how to solve problems in regards to people. I do not know how to motivate, help or lead others.

Inasmuch as I took up multiple roles/leadership positions in high school/University. I just felt that I'm inferior compared to the others.

Damn, I'm really bad at leading ain't it right?

Posted on 6:57 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Meaningful lessons

I've recently watch a lot of drama, variety shows and etc due to my free time and to be honest, I think I gained a lot from those programmes because these supposed-to-be-entertainment material gave me so much of the motivations I needed.

1. The virtual marriage of "We got Married" made me realised that in every beginning, and ending awaits. We can't escape the ending, but we can choose to embrace the present, and work on making the best that we can of our life

2. The TVB Drama "A Change of Heart" taught me that the main reason why people dwell in sadness and unhappiness is because we were taught of the word "Forever, Eternal, and Everlasting". It is because of these words, it makes us felt that if something do not last forever, it is something not worth looking for; but the truth is, nothing on earth lasts forever and if we can live on with that belief, we would learn how to appreciate things as it goes, and life's worth much more living that way

3. Finally, a supposedly comedy TVB Drama "Awfully Lawful" taught me that nothing, and no choice is right or wrong because at different time, we weigh issues differently. Most of the time, we use a lot of time to weigh and decide on which would be the best choice, but unknowingly - we would've just lost the moment of your life, thus regretting your action. At the end of the day, you would've done nothing. Achieving nothing.

Just a little sharing and thoughts that I would like to share.

Signing off-

Posted on 2:34 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

I think I found my light ....

After being on "Hibernation" mode for such a long period of time. I think I'd finally get to know what am I gonna do now that I am actually a graduated student. And honestly, sometimes it's a little weird how things worked out but perhaps this is an act of God. To be honest, it's been a very long time ever since I felt this confidence into the future. I'd wish I could write more about it, but I don't think it's something possible now. However, I guess I'll start thinking and planning instead. Lets just hope all things will go well from here on.

-Signing off-

Posted on 5:21 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

Heart or Mind; Gut or Eyes

I'm way too free these days; which actually allow me to play and watch TV everyday to the point that I don't even know what am I doing anymore. Most of my time were spent on playing XCOM, Civilization V and most recently SIMS 3 and at the same time watching some TVB Drama which is lame, lame and lame. Then again, there is one quote from a drama that attracted me to ponder upon for tonight. I can't actually put it in sentence but it goes something like this.

"Gut (Heart) feelings or the Eyes (Mind). Which should we follow?

Because if we follow our hearts, every single thing in our mind

wouldn't matter anymore, vice versa"

Which reminded me of what my friend once told me about the heart and mind issue where that person mentioned that we should be following the mind, because the heart usually thinks and gives stupid, emotional and illogical thoughts. Which somehow, I agree at this point of time because we live in a world full of issues and problems solved with diplomacy, logical & critical thinking and also PR. Thus, the heart may not be working the way the world wants it to be anymore, at least for long term problems.

I guess, this had allowed me to clear my thoughts on a lot of things these days. At least during the war that always happen within me, the war of 'Mind vs Heart' can be sorted out much easily for me; because for long term problems, dreams and life changing decisions - it's usually best decided by the mind; not because it may be the true saying inside you, but because it would be the most rational decision made.

However, for short term, clutch problem. I'd say the best way would be to focus on the heart. Because these clutch and split-second decision, wouldn't allow us to use our brain at all and thus, the decision from the heart would be the better decision, not because it is the right decision but simply because it would be something you wouldn't regret due to the fact that deep inside you? You chose that.

Now that I'm done writing, I can continue conducting my Orchestra in SIMS 3.

Can't believe my company gave me a limousine as my transport to work.

All my dreams became a reality in the virtual world of SIMS 3

No wonder people get addicted to the virtual world

Kthxbai

Posted on 12:06 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Im bad

All my life I've been taught to give willingly, give cheerfully. In fact, every single week during the prayer for my church contribution; prayer were made so that everyone would be able to give cheerfully, for God loves a cheerful giver. Perhaps because of this, I've learnt to give a lot of things in my life; and I'm not saying that it's bad. It's a good thing being able to give, because it simply shows how gifted a person is for having the ability to even give something to the needy. That was how I thought and how it was all along.

In fact, every single time I give and sacrifice; rest assured that no one would ever know about that. Reason being is not because I wanted to hide it from others, but perhaps because I'm just too dumb to even have the guts to let people know. That's how bad I am in expressing myself, to the point where even when I try to gain recognition from people, I end up being the "invisible" person at the scene. Or maybe sometimes when I give, people thought I'm taking in a way (That's how I killed my first relationship didn't I?)

Now, God promised us that when we give, we will receive. Ten folds? Hundred folds? But being a person I am, I just couldn't bear receiving so much when I know that I did not give enough. All my life I've been giving and giving; I'm used to that and I'm happy doing so. But when the tides just somehow turn and now I'm the one receiving everything without giving, I have no idea how to react to it anymore. I shall not elaborate on it because of my personal reasons, but these days, I felt as if I am receiving way too much than what I've given.

I wish to give more too, but to be honest I do not know how anymore; because I am not able to do anything at this point of time. This makes me feel frustrated and perhaps because of that, I am lost entirely at this point of time, not know what to do. It is not that I do not want to do anything, but I simply do not know what am I supposed to do. Some people say, just move on and do anything, as long as it keeps me moving - but I know that if I were to do that, I'll just fail badly again because I can never do something if my heart is not in it.

In as much as I feel like letting go everything and start anew, I know I can't because the moment I do so, I'm asking and will end up receiving again. Perhaps what I need is time, but having no idea how much time I can actually have, brings me back to square one again.

Posted on 4:03 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

I'm going crazy

It's been a pretty rough day today. I did not do anything at all throughout the whole day and I guess it is just another day wasted on doing nothing. However, the issue is that I can't put my heart and soul into doing something when it's so busy working on something else. I'm just not the multitasker everyone thought I'm good at. Or perhaps, I am good at multi-tasking only when I am sure of what I want.

The issue now is that, at this point of time; I do not know what I want anymore. Maybe not because I do not know, but it's simply because I cannot accept the fact. Everyone around me is seemingly working towards what they want to be. They are working towards their dreams and goals. On the other side of the world, there is me, who is making all sorts of turns and detours because I just couldn't do what I want to.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I fail so much in trying to get to my destination. Is it because I am not able to be patient enough? Or I'm just simply the failing in every single way that I've been working on. I used to be someone who is very persistent and not-willing-to-give up in the things that I want. That was where I eventually thought to myself that going straight ahead just wouldn't work and thus I opted to be simpler, and make do with what I have. Then again, it is at this moment that I felt, what I have is just never what I wanted afterall.

I do not know, whether I am just simply too greedy to ask for so much

Or perhaps making do with what I have, just wouldn't work for people like me

I just couldn't be satisfied with what I have at the moment.

I remember telling myself that life's great but the moment people tell me the opposite, I tend to agree with them and scrapped off everything I've been telling myself for the past months, or perhaps years. I'm already a graduated student, and I'm no longer a student. What I felt I've achieved in the past 22 years of my life? It's absolutely nothing.

My life is so mediocre and moderate to the point where if a person ask what's the "greatest" moment of my life. I could never be able to answer that, because up until now, I've never experienced this "greatest" moment. None. Sometimes I just do not want to move on, because by having to move on, I need to make decisions. And making decisions that are beyond what I really want and beyond what I can control? I feel bad about it.

Many people talk about dreams, be it in their life, career, relationships, family, or anything related to their life. Guess what, I have them too. It is just that, none of them ever came true, or perhaps it just haven't. I'm not too sure. Perhaps I just do not have the patience to achieve it, and I gave up halfway all the time. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to sacrifice what I already have to simply have the "chance" to achieve it.

It's the war of the heart vs mind all the time I guess

I'm going crazy

Posted on 3:44 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

What I seek

I am a person of low self-esteem. Many may feel the opposite of what I wrote, but this is the tiny truth of myself that I would never want to show to people; never reflected in the things that I do or how I actually act in public. However, truth are truth and I can never hide that - I am a person of a very low self-esteem. A lot of things and issues people deem easy and simple to be done such as going to a person and talking to him/her is so hard for me as if it is asking me to go upstage to talk to over 1 million people in public (Which I am not afraid to, but not to a single person). Also, in everything I do; I ensure that I've given 300% of my thoughts and consideration before even daring to mention it out to people close to me. It is not that I am cautious or careful, but simply because I do not have the courage to do so!

To be honest, even after saying so - a lot of people would disagree to me because every single time this situation arises, I'll portray myself in a different way where people say that respected me for being so. But honestly, I guess I'm at the right side of the story to tell them that "I know myself better". The thing is, everyone have the personal side of them and perhaps this is more of the personal problem that I have; I have bad communication skills and low self-esteem.

Thus most of the time, I only ask of ONE element from the people around me

That element is encouragement

And I guess I'm getting a lot of it these days

Thanks ^^

Posted on 6:16 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Valentine's Day

The 14th of February had never been an important date for me; I'd never actually bother taking note of the day ever since I was born. People may claim that the reason I would say so is because I've never actually got the 'other part' of me at all. Well, after considering and putting things into deep thoughts, I guess I 'could' consider that one of the reasons but I am definitely not going to talk about that issue at all for this post (because it simple shows how sad of a person am I sometimes)

I am someone who believes that things happens best when it happens naturally, without any element of force being put into it. Perhaps that is also the reason why I am never usually the person who would take note of festivals, celebration or perhaps even specific dates such as anniversaries. I do not know, whether it is actually a good thing or a bad thing; but to me, there is not much a value if people only do something because it is a known 'date' or 'time' where 'something' just have to be done.

It's like, do I really have to wait till my birthday to say that I've grown one year older?
Or do I really have to be gifting someone items during Valentine's day to express the love I have?

Definitely not, and it's also definitely not something that I can forsee myself doing. Of course, I do not discount and displace the importance of such dates because it does give an impact into people's life and also attitude towards a particular issue, but if it is only done on that specific days, it becomes a little disturbing.

Anyhow, from the deepest from my heart; I wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year, and Happy Valentines Day. =)

Posted on 5:38 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Nomads

Ever heard of the word "Nomad"? If you've been through Form 5 History, I'd hope that you would actually know else I will be wondering what have you guys been doing in high school. But for the benefit for my readers, nomads are usually a group of people in ancient time who do not have a specific settling place. They live from day to day, travelling and changing their settlement every time they run out of resources. In other words, they have no place in the world that they are actually close to and can go to when they are really in need.

That's for this group of people. What about me? To be honest, I use this word to represent myself after thinking and pondering upon my life for the past few hours. I've been going group by group, places by places, societies by societies; getting to know so many people but yet when I ask myself who and which part of it I am actually an "ingroup", I couldn't answer to that. It is as what one of my friend used to say; "A person who joins numerous groups, having gatherings and activities lined up, but do not actually have a place or group of people that can be called "home" After such realisation, I finally found out that I'm just trying to hard to fit into groups, and getting into groups; because at the end of the day - I'm more like alone the whole time.

I don't know why am I feeling this, whether I'm thinking a little too much or not.

But truth to be told, I really feel lonely all the time.

People asked me to embrace the loneliness and enjoy it.
But honestly, I do not know how

You know, when I look back into my life since Form 1
I just realised I've never actually 'had' a proper 'in-group'
Which made me wonder

What had I been doing since that time?

Nothing.

Posted on 1:13 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

The road less travelled by

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference"

If the 3 sentence about seemed familiar, it is already an excerpt from the poem "The Road Not Taken". Very simple and meaningful poem which can actually explain my life ever since a long long time ago. I do not know why, but this poem came into my mind when I wanted to get to bed to rest up a little for tomorrow.

I am 22 this year, and to be honest, when I look into myself to do self reflection, I found out that I have never actually "succeeded" in anything big or proud. Perhaps the only time I felt proud of myself is when I got straight A's for my UPSR exam when I was 12 years old? Simply because it is only through these "mainstream" things that I can actually get noticed. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I not get good reputation or perhaps a chance where people can look up onto me and thus allowing me to look up upon myself? Well, just now I found some hints that it is because I have always taken the different road; "the one less travelled by".

All my life, I strived to be different; to be unorthodox. I refuse to follow the norms of what a proper student should do - study hard and score well in exam, get into a good University and get a professional career. A doctor, lawyer perhaps? But I always decide to do the exact opposite. I took the road where I believe that studies don't bring me anywhere far. I went for extra-curricular activities, and had a good balance of both (I guess?). When people studied hard to get into good Universities and work in the science stream to be professionals and engineers, I chose to get into the arts stream; not because I suck at Science, but simply because I avoided the norm.

To bring matters even further, I put music as my passion in life. When everyone was trying hard to score in the University exams, I made trips back through and fro from Kampar to Ipoh for practices due to performances in my band. When people are in a rush for assignments, I put my time and effort in practising for performances in events, on ships or a simple ball night. Sports? When people are focusing on popular sports such as football, badminton and basketball, I put my effort on E-Sports, where people thinks that I am a joke, and take what I do as simply "playing computer games" and "computer addicts" or perhaps "da gei zai". While things are being looked in such negative ways, sometimes, it just takes a wee bit of understanding to look things in my perspective.

To be honest, I am very confident that if I had chosen to go to what ordinary people would do, study hard, work hard and get a good degree in professional courses. Go for good jobs and take up sports like badminton and basketball. Socialise through societies and clubs like Leo and Lions Club. I believe that I can and I am definitely able to be as successful as what a lot of people around me are. Unfortunately, never had I did such thing. Am I simply talking big, full of trash and bullshit? Nah, I believe I am not. So do I ever regretted such decisions and choice that I made? No, not a single bit. It is simply because I believe that life is too short and there's too many things that I have yet to experience.

I am an unorthodox person,I walk the road of the lesser and as what you would've guessed, I suffered the negativity immensely. To me, though, it does not matter, because it is from all these things; I learnt a lot of things the hard way. I may not seem successful at this moment, average results in exams, not having a lot of achievements, may not have a bright future in my career, etc; but I believe things will change in the future, and I will work towards it.

To have a breakthrough in life is tough, but still possible

To have a breakthrough in a clutter is tougher, but not impossible

But to have a breakthrough in something that is not in existence

That's what I'm aiming for, looking towards.

Posted on 6:21 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 1 Comments »

New Year

Yesterday was 1/1/13; which marks a new year after a really long and interesting year 2012. It's been a very tiring year but at the same time rewarding because if I were to pen down my thoughts of year 2012, it would take a very long time as there are just too much things to express. Then again, things just don't end the way I thought it would be this year, as although I thought things would be smooth sailing, it didn't happened. There were already so much of challenges and hardship waiting to be handled, and also to give me a hard slap on my face, twice.

Giving is something people always claim to be good for a person. Well, the more you give, the more you receive, right? Then again, sometimes it's really hard to continue giving when the more you give, the more you receive; but not good things in return; instead bad and painful returns.That is why, I am actually never fond of giving unless I really care and want to do so. Everything I do, I do it without expecting anything in return. At least by doing so, I can tell myself that I wouldn't be disappointed when things do not turn out as it is because I do it, simply because I want to do it and I have no one to blame for that. Then again, sometimes it just hurts too badly.

I understand though, that it's never a reason to stop giving.

I'll continue giving and contributing until the end of it.

Sometimes, I really do hope that there would be times where I can receive encouragement or affirmation, perhaps even an acknowledgement for the things that I've been trying so hard to do. Guess what? Sometimes a simple sentence of "You're getting better" makes my day, and it is proven today. I felt great, when someone acknowledge me for what I've been trying to do so hard for such long period of time. Of course, I wouldn't ask for it because its not valuable any longer if it needs to be asked.

There isn't much I'm hoping for in the Year 2013, because I think I already have an abundance of what I need. Maybe its now the time for me to actually give, rather than to receive. To give, more of love, more of care, and more of what I have. If I were to have a new year resolution, it would be to give more.

Posted on 5:10 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »

Lessons of Life

It's now 18th December 2012, 3.16AM. Approximately 4 days till the rumored doomsday. Uh, perhaps I should really cut the crap and go straight to the point. A lot of things happened in the past weeks and I guess, I really learnt a lot; and also realised a lot - simply because I knock my head on the wall too many times already! If I were to elaborate things one by one, I believe it'll be never-ending so I would just try to keep things short and simple; for myself and also for others.

1. Be truthful: Not to others, but to yourselves

I've been in a state of lying to myself for a very very long time until things just start hitting right into me. It's weird to say this but I've been thinking that I was doing everything right, and everything is actually in my control finally to the point where I realised I'm trying too hard to actually cheat myself all the way through. To be honest, it's really hard to accept such fact because admitting that I am wrong is something that I never do (Because I'm always confident, unfortunately). It is only due to someone, that I am able to actually realise what is happening, and that I am actually lying to myself for such extended period of time. Thanks.

2. What's meant to be, is meant to be

I've been a person that believes that in order to achieve something, effort needs to be given and paid. And the more you give, the more you receive. Well, I can say that it isn't wrong to have such mentality but it only happens in a perfect world, not reality. In reality, sometimes we'd just have to let things flow. Of course, effort still needs to be exerted but forcing isn't the way to go. The more desperate you try to get something done, the higher the chance of it not to be successful because such desperation will bring things down; and in a negative way.

3. Seek first to understand yourselves, then understand others.

This is perhaps the most important lesson that I learnt. Many a times, people try to understand others and help others whom they thought are in need. Unfortunately, they forgot about someone who is of the utmost importance; themselves. I've been trying so hard to understand how do other people think and act, to the point that I myself do not know what am I doing anymore. What are my aims, dreams and principles? Everything had just simply gone down the drain. Sometimes, there is a need to be selfish, to look after ones self before stepping into someone else business.

It has been a tough 48 hours, battling with my mind, heart and soul but I'm glad it has all come to an end because at this moment of time, I seriously know what I want and also the things that I know I want to do. I really have to thank the ones who actually helped me in understanding this, and I'm sorry too, for the ones whom I've hurt during the process. Perhaps, being simple is the best way to go with it; like what I've wrote in my past entry - to think like a child.

Sometimes,

We just have to

Show how we feel;

Do what we want;

Think not of the consequences;

Just live life as it is;

This world will be beautiful.

P/s: If you are reading, the 'thorn' has not been removed. But I'll listen to the advice and keep options open and see which direction would things flow =)

Thanks, you've been a really great part of my life

Posted on 3:41 AM by Jeffery Chan and filed under | 0 Comments »